Dirk! Glad you stopped by Deadspin again, and glad you're becoming the go-to authority on ball-doctoring between guest articles and TV spots, because it's the most fascinating dark art in baseball.

How much hatemail did you get for GookGate?

Fuck off.

Have you lived outside of Quebec for long enough that the PQ's unregistered you from voting?

If your standard grocery store deli counter is considered replacement level, how many WAR are the major Montreal smoked meat joints worth?

No need to get all defensive, mosesupposes.

The Canucks wouldn't even need a goalie, if their team's play was anywhere near as defensive as a Vancouverite talking about how world-class their city is.

Anyone still sending messages in the Deadspin bracket reply-allpocalypse should be banned forever. Fuck, it was kinda funny for the first hour, now it's day fucking 3 and you should go to jail if you still think it's funny to e-mail thousands of strangers your cripplingly unfunny keyboard farts.

Similarly, Men's Rights Activists could've been the Cinderella Story of this bracket, but they're up against an elite top seed in Christian Conservatives. MRAs are shitty, but they're not actively ruining America-level shitty.

Coffee Time goes toe to toe with Tim Horton's in the greater Toronto area.

"Fuck college basketball and fuck making brackets. I'd rather die than have to sit through another March Madness."

"Anyone know any good jokes about an Indian kid going to Auburn?"

(whistle blows)

It's not all bad on the other side of the Jeopardy fame bubble. Ken Jennings managed to parlay his winning streak into a book deal and a cushy gig on the speaking circuit, while IBM's WATSON is now the head writer at Buzzfeed.

My God, I whipped this together in 2 minutes just because I was curious about which teams would say "prayers" and which would say "thoughts", it's a simple exercise, it's not meant to serve any deep purpose. The Oilers, Avs, Caps, Flyers and Devils have all since tweeted something, I'm aware.

(clears throat) AS OF 10 PM EST

Here's a map of how other teams' Twitter accounts reached out to the Stars and Peverley.

NBA Player: [Takes a swing at his opponent]