Not to bag on you, but you realize you don’t have to have peed first in order to wash your hands right? I mean, if you want to take a whiz first, you do you, but its not necessary. 

Not going to lie, the whole ‘if you’re thirsty, you’re already dehydrated’ thing sounds dumb as hell.

Instead of being stored in a place where they’d be safe, they’re in a delicate, dangly little sac that flops around every which way, leaving them in critical danger from zippers or footballs or fireworks.

Just in time for an incredibly contentious election year to boot! We all gon’ die!

Ha-ha! a rich person abusing their wealth to scare the shit out of someone less rich than them with frivolous legal threats! Such a goddamn laugh riot that...

This is unsurprising coming from the land that is basically the real-world equivalent of the Shire. 

Is it meth? I bet it's meth...

Aaaaaand the other shoe finally drops...

On particularly stressful days, I’ve been known to joke about requesting an at-desk mini bar, but yeah, all things equal, being even slightly tiddly at my job would not make it go any better and would probably make things that much worse. 

The whole concept of ‘office culture’ is such bullshit. What the fuck ever happened to just doing your fucking job well and leaving it at that. Now, apparently you have to be buddy-buddy with people you’re already spending 8+ hours a day with after hours and shit. I have no reason to be more than polite and…

I think even if he hadn’t ingested any of the tea at all, he’d still have a case, because, y’know, finding a federally controlled substance in your tea. If I get a burger from McDonalds and before I take the first bite I find a razor blade in in, or a baggie of percoset, or [insert totally inappropriate item of your…

I mean, we have had KFC buffets in the states (although they are a disappearing breed) but I’ll give it to Japan, $12 for all you can drink booze is a game changer. 

Slowly our corollaries compound on each other, resulting in exponentially larger bowls until we make a bowl big enough to destroy the world!

Corollary to this: Always use a bigger bowl than you think you need when preparing a salad. 

I’m pretty sure he’d have a case even if he actually didn’t get high.

Listen, if you have the balls to try to take out a swan, happy hunting. I’ll stick with birds I know I can take in a fight. 

I also have to say, it depends on context. Have I personally, made a bowl of soup and considered it a meal? Yes. Would I consider giving someone a bowl of soup as the one and only item if I were having them over for dinner. No, for then I’d look both cheap and insane. 

Kenny Bania doesn’t think so...

That makes sense. That being said, not everyone may follow those rules, someone may have forgot, etc. My main point was that it follows a certain logical sense that the burglars would have busted into the register, unscrewing all the light bulbs in the dining room...less so. 

Honestly, I think if they were smart they’d hit hard back at how some plant based meat alternatives aren’t all that much healthier than actual meat. I remember how the Impossible Whopper is pretty much only marginally healthier than a regular Whopper patty (only a few less calories and a little better on fat content) a…