P-E-N-I-S, Penis makes the very best...

Should we just assume it was creme filled?

From what I can see of the 12th Amendment, which is the only part of the constitution that explicitly deals with presidential elections, there is nothing in the text that this law runs afoul of. There is precious little that specifically outlines limitations on running for president, but, and here is the kicker, there…

I was always a fan of using illegal fireworks left over from the Fourth of July to blow our jack-o-lanterns to kingdom come. 

Brought to you by a grant from the Mom Institute of Libation Facts. Or MILF, for short. When you think about research around red wine, think MILF. 

I can get behind that. I will say this much, being approached by police is generally anxiety inducing though and it might have been a better play for them to sit up like a sidewalk table and let people approach them instead. 

Yep. I like that. It means you have 6 relatively mild Halloweens followed by a 7th that you can really let loose on.

An alternate proposal “The Jack-O-Lantern Challenge”: Each individual household gets to celebrate Halloween for however long they can get a jack-o-lantern to last prior to Oct. 31st.

I find it incredibly odd that Sanders is the only candidate that people claim is running for reasons of ego, especially since I have yet to see anything to suggest that is his primary motivation. I mean, anyone running for president has to have a bit of an ego, I’m sure, but you really don’t see it being slung at…

Bettery yet: unity ticket. Yes, there will be a portion of either’s fan base that will be butthurt about their chosen person playing second fiddle but I feel that for the most part a unity ticket ahead of the primaries is going to bring the vast majority of both camps together. Right now combing Sander’s and Warren’s…

Yep, portion size plays a factor, but I also think that at some point, if everything you eat is breaded and fried, even if you eat much less of it, you’re going to plateau in terms of weight loss or just overall weight management. 

I’ll say this, obesity in America is probably more closely linked to poor food options on a day to day basis rather than high-calorie items at mid-scale chain restaurants. Yes, some people are probably getting fat from eating at CCF every other days but I’d be willing to bet that most people that are putting on pounds…

Well, I know which of those two types of people you are...

This list is kind of pointless. The type of people that would take this stuff to heart (in the non-artery clogging way, mind you) are probably the type of people that would be checking calorie counts and not eating this stuff in the first place. Then there are the people that are going to look at this list and revise…

My favorite bit was the one he did about how every picture is a picture of you when you’re younger.

I would feel differently if this was working class families making a difficult decision to put their kid over the edge, especially if the alternative was them not going to college at all. But from the article it really seems like these are otherwise-affluent families gaming the system. And in this case it really is…

I would feel differently if this was working class families making a difficult decision to put their kid over the edge, especially if the alternative was them not going to college at all. But from the article it really seems like these are otherwise-affluent families gaming the system. And in this case it really is…

Missing an opportunity to basically make Euphoria be an R-rated DeGrassi. 

— Mitch Hedberg

I’m also going to say, lower your expectations if you’re getting a meal 15 minutes before closing. I once worked at a Hardee’s in high school and to this day, I remember an old couple coming in like less than 10 minutes to closing. They made their order, part of which was a chicken sandwich. I made the sandwich and it…