Snot rockets in the shower are my thing. I swear I blew something sentient out the other day. It sat there on the floor of the tub for a minute, said “vaya con dios, amigo”, and disappeared down the drain. Now my foundation is cracked.

Whatever do you mean? I have the greatest handwriting! Everyone always tells me I have beautiful, the most elegant, wonderful handwriting they’ve ever seen. I cross the best T’s and dot the best I’s.

Interesting.
“No, kids, you can’t have this delicious treat that has a fun toy inside; here’s a gun instead.”

Nah, I think you should be afraid of anyone who lacks the ability to understand other viewpoints. What’s the Christian saying? The greatest sin is pride. Pride is dogmatic and places the self above others. It’s not a far jump from “I’m right.” to “What I think is what should happen.” to “Those who prevent my plans are…

1. Al. Al? AL! Do you really think Mentos are gum?

my personal theory is that we feel like we know these players much more than in the other sports. Most football players are masked death robots, and the majority of baseball superstars are unknown by face to the large majority of sports fans. For example, what percentage of fans would know Jose Altuve if he walked…

I would honestly prefer not to have a 12 foot dick. Like, how big would it be flaccid? Wouldn’t it get stepped on? How would pants even work? The whole thing sounds kind of awful.

I’m listening....

No idea what her basketball game is like, but Martina Navratilova could probably beat plenty of us.

Don’t buy the onboard wifi! I did a cruise once and the week without internet was the most mentally peaceful week of my life.

True, but goddamn if I kept getting asked the same fucking question over and over for months by unoriginal, idiot sports reporters I’d be doing the same shit Westbrook is.

Reporter: “Russ, what’s fashion week been like?”

Real sports leagues don’t need to have teams in Nebraska.

No way! That’s what you were talking about?!

I believe Kanter was saying “I’ll do to you what that chair did to my hand!”

Please...

Popcorn, Butter, I’ll pop it, I’ll pop it.

I’ve never seen Kanter this excited about defense.

[looks at the other guys on the floor for OKC] I can see why Russ is so mad all the time.