I always maintained that I knew Scott Peterson did it all along for one sole reason: He owned a boat and none of his friends knew about it. There isn’t a man alive that will but a boat and not tell his friends. Also, too: Fuck him.

And he “whisked her away.”I literally love everything about this writer.

The takeaway I’m getting is that I am less dateable than a cannibal.

I think it also helps to have clear guidelines and instructions as to what is and is not acceptable behavior. Some companies have annual sensitivity and anti-harassment training (sometimes high-quality, sometimes not), but I’m not sure how many colleges have similar training for their students. Annual high-quality…

And then married a Time Lord...

Hello, as a journalist for many years I would like to butt in with my professional opinion and say that this post (and all of its punnyness) is some of THE BEST writing I know.

Oh good, I’m already feeling crappy about my ongoing struggles to date, this is extremely helpful.

What woman can resist a man who cooks?

Look. I know it’s tough out there as a single human looking for love. It’s hard to meet people in real life these days, and the internet is scary because you never know who might be a sociopath or have violent tendencies.

I just don’t understand women who date cops.

You make a good point. College is often the environment in which students are finally exposed to other ideas. Racists, sexists, homophobes are often raised that way. When many students come to college they are exposed to different ideas and values and can become more enlightened, particularly if the university…

Clearly, bananas are only symbolic of concern about potassium levels.

I don’t understand, why doesn’t she just get the mice and birds to make a beautiful wedding dress?

The whole thing and then out of nowhere, “Buy a spinning wheel.” I’m fucking dying!

Obviously you take the money up front cash, then don’t invite her to the wedding, and pretend she’s crazy if she tries to sue you for the money back.

Take the money, split it with the Good Sister and figure out how much you can get for your firstborn. Or at least how much you can get to name Bad Sister the godmother. Buy a spinning wheel.

Dude, if I were the poor sister I would tell bride sister to absolutely take rich sister’s money. Then we could split the cash to go do something awesome just the two of us. And if we’re feeling bitchy we could plaster pics all over Facebook of our great time together. We could even tag mean sister like, “Without Mary…