It's not called "elevennis."

FYI: The Deadspin Comment Section Law School could be accredited only by the Wisconsin State Bar and Mr. Sessons could still practice in that state and that state only.

Around the Cutler house they call it Measles on Wheels.

The complainant went to get a ketchup bottle to squirt Davis, but someone stopped her

This is technically the third prank. The second was convincing him that playing for the Padres is "getting called up to the big leagues."

This was the best-attended game in the majors last night (by percent of seats sold) other than the Rays @ Cardinals. As others have pointed out, your joke is falling flat.

You mean like all the other stadiums in baseball with city populations in the millions? To say that fans don't go to games when we consistently have 2.5-3 million tickets sold in a city of 700k people is idiotic.

The Brewers currently rank 10th in the Major Leagues in the majors and average over 33,000/game. Not the highest numbers, but they also play in the smallest market in baseball.

"Want bigotry? Just water it!"

This is nothing. Maximum Dadness is achieved at the Antonio Cromartie household every other weekend and the occasional holiday.

They both left office with about the same level of bowel control.

Obviously, the biggest difference between LeBron and Kim here is that the latter never went back.

Parents Night is dreadful. Last year I was singled out by a teacher in a room full of judgmental parents because my 3rd grader, for the "art show", drew a picture of a chicken giving a horse a hand-job. Seriously. I have the photo prove it if you provide me with an e-mail to send it. When I got home, I feared…

"I don't have much of a choice at the moment."

Bath police is what my uncle used to call it :(

What are you talking about? He's been videotaping practices for years...

To be fair, it was a Trader Joe's.

Bosh is the walrus

So is Paul dead or what

I should have asked for it, because I hadn't felt any pain whatsoever up until they started sticking their fingers in my hole, my thigh, and I started yelling involuntarily.