Oh god, you’re the worst

How does someone walk around with a bottle opener on their dick for a week?

As the mother of sons and daughters and grandmother to grandsons and granddaughters I can honestly say no one seems to have more fun with his penis than a little boy. I once walked into the living room and saw my three year old, naked and spraying piss in the air as he spun in a circle. Apparently he was inspired by a…

“GOING IN HOUSE AFTER TAKING OFF BATHING SUIT, CLOSED DOOR ON PENIS INSTEAD OF OPENING DOOR, HE PULLED PENIS OUT”

EATING BOWL CHILI THAT WAS BOILING HOT, SPILLED DOWN CHEST, ONTO GENITALS, DIDN’T REMOVE CHILI

Yours wasn’t at all sexy.

And fuck your cousin, cracked-to-hell concrete driveway.

SHOVELING SNOW AND HANDLE OF SHOVEL HIT HIM IN GENITALS

This is why fully detachable, dishwasher-safe penii are always the best option.

Dear Men,

FELL DOWN THE STEPS OF HIS MOBILE HOME ONTO A STACK OF WOOD, CONTUSION PENIS

IMMEDIATLEY FELT A POP & LOST ERECTION

The worst mine gets is from wildly oscillating toddler feet.

Then there’s the guy who got it stuck in a tailpipe.

If your fiance can fit her ring on your dong and she isn’t Brienne of Tarth you’ve got bigger (smaller?) problems.

Or one fat finger

That is one thin penis.

Just so you don’t have to google it yourself, this is a ‘hand grasper’

Dibs on “CONTUSION PENIS” for my next band name.