I’ve got a friend in Norway and his English is better than a LOT of native speakers. He misses the occasional idiom, but otherwise, perfect.

Seriously trying to get into a specialist for the first time can take MONTHS. My cardiologist wanted me to consult with another cardiologist because the other guy was a specialist in the valve replacement I needed and it took weeks for HIM to even coordinate it. From one doctor to another!

I had open-heart surgery in December and my entire hospital stay (I can’t even remember if it was 4 days or 5) through January are all a vague medicated blur.

My favorite:

We still yell “I’m scared and disoriented!” like the pedestrians do when you run them over. But, like, for little things. We try not to get run over.

Of all the things to annoy me about this, I had to go look this up:

I kind of felt that way at first, but then I read that she’d hired someone to boost her kid’s SAT score and I thought of this girl: https://www.theroot.com/college-board-under-fire-for-deciding-black-student-did-1831469686

I’m so fucking paranoid about my airbags. I’ve checked the VIN on my CRV like 6 times since I bought it last year even though it’s a “Honda Certified” vehicle. Now I’m gonna go check it again even though it’s a 2015.

THIS. And furthermore, if you’re driving an older vehicle it might not even be possible to “properly” secure your car seat. I had an older VW Fox wagon that had the rear (lap-only) belts come out at an angle that meant there was always a gap when you installed a car seat. It was literally impossible to secure it…

loin loaves omg lol

Right? Like, girl, trust me the black kids already know their history. You’re not “teaching” anyone anything. Flip the roles and maybe someone will actually learn something.

There’s a bar in the local Nordstrom’s, which is kind of a catch-22. I’m probably more likely to spend too much money shopping at Nordie’s if I’m drunk, but if I buy drinks at their prices I won’t have any to spend in the store.

I very much wanted to wrestle in high school, and we did not have a girls’ team. My upper-body strength was fantastic when I was a teen. I never did it, because I was way too self-conscious and I didn’t need another thing to get bullied over.

2001. My ‘95 Sportage had shat the bed yet again and I was carless with an hour’s commute into a different county for work. Desperate to find any dealer that could work in my broke-ass single mom price range (and I was upside down on the fucking Sportage besides), I went to the Saturn dealership one town over. The…

Apparently, the term is copyrighted in America by Pillsbury, but I don’t think that’s the only reason.

Hey I’m doing cardiac rehab too! At 45, I’m the youngest person there by 20 years probably. Benefits(?) of having a congenital heart defect. It’s amazing to be able to exercise! Last week I even tried the elliptical again and didn’t die.

I used to work for a real estate agent in Montecito, CA. Which is the MORE expensive part of Santa Barbara. Oprah had a compound there, and Dennis Miller once almost rear-ended me in a YMCA parking lot. But I digress...

I was gonna say: wear it to the gynecologist and you won’t even need to change.

When we moved a couple years ago, we got a place where the master bedroom has separate closets. I am NEVER going back. His closet is deep enough that it’s nearly a walk-in, and I get a whole little alcove around my closet that I call my “dressing room.” It’s awesome.

I mean sure, but I start tearing up at “Yorktown” and I’m generally a sobbing mess for 2/3 of the second act so I’m not sure how I’d get through a single day of it, let alone a week.