God damn it, why do I always get put in Slytherin??

Starred for Bradlees.

It’s an important sensory developmental step. But some kids never quite outgrow putting stuff in their mouths.

I mean, as a parent, you tend to assume that places like this that are targeted toward families, have precautions in place. You tend to assume that the zoo is set up to prevent people from getting IN as much as to prevent animals from getting OUT. Sometimes I have looked at a zoo exhibit skeptically wondering if a…

Ironically, it’s my kid with ADHD that was the “stays with mom” kid. The other one? Total runner. Even with a death grip on his poor hand he’d manage to pull free and dart off.

Woo I own a vintage Dior turban! I’m finally fashionable!

Yeah, I had guppies and the female was pregnant. I had this little “birth box” for her where the babies would fall into a separate compartment and not get eaten, but anytime I put her in there the male would go apeshit flailing against the box trying to get to her.

I called 911 when my former roommate’s boyfriend came into my house, started screaming and throwing things, and yelling that he was going to kill me (because when she moved out we found a bunch of our stolen property in her room and took it back). The cops said “Uh, well, it’s graduation and we’re pretty busy right…

Mr. Bells has been making sage simple syrup for this ridiculous cocktail he’s been making with BEET JUICE. Beets are the source of all evil, but the kitchen smells very sage-y and nice.

ooh those are cute. I’m putting them on my list.

Solarbabies is my best friend’s very favorite movie. Somehow, we’re still friends.

Mr. Bells shaved his off once and he looked 19. I felt like a dirty old lady and made him grow it back immediately.

Yes they did make savory Jello. The website http://www.midcenturymenu.com/ has reviewed some of them. Also her pictures of her husband trying the food are always hilarious.

I was skeptical about that book, but it really was amazing.

God damn it, I wish I’d remembered this column a month ago, when my daughter was trying to find a very specific prom dress that doesn’t exist within 100 miles of me.

He washed his hair (I know because he left his wet towel on my pillow so I have to murder him tonight). He just didn’t brush it (I know because I found his brush under some laundry on the floor).

I got some of the Marta sandals and they’re REALLY good. I need to put a little pad in the toe of the left one, because it rubs my big toe on that side, but otherwise they’re great shoes. Now if the sun would just come out, I could wear them!

Hmm I might be able to get away with the clogs. I think we might have a policy against open-toes but I’m not sure. I’m a volunteer docent, so the footwear rules are looser for me: paid employees have to wear black closed-toe, covering the whole foot, but my status is more “wear what I like until someone says I can’t.”

Seriously, let’s go snag some free tents. I don’t want to spend $300 on something that might get used once a year MAYBE.

Once, instead of “casual Friday”, they did “formal Friday” and everyone wore a suit. It didn’t last, but it was pretty funny.