Every year I obsessively hunt for a two-piece suit that has shorts for the bottom. For myself! One that isn’t a tankini and comes in something other than solid black. I don’t understand why I can find 400 different “swim skirt” bottoms but only 3 swim shorts in black, gray, or navy.

*considers changing kinja handle to “many bells down OF STEEL”*

I’m pretty sure I’m gonna find out my ex has started a cult someday. He’s really good at “that”.

I crack up every time “FriendCzar” gets mentioned on Person of Interest.

Yeah I see a lot of people with newer Android phones can’t upload photos either so I guess that’s a bust. I wanted to try that Hey Vina app, because it’s supposed to be for women specifically, but that’s not on Android at all. That’s okay, we’re only half the smartphone market.

Well I was hoping it’s actually a friend-finding app, but you’re right, I’d probably have just gotten dick pics anyway.

Also I wanted to try that friendable app but it won’t let me upload a picture and you can’t finish your profile without one. I have a brand new Galaxy S7. Laaaame.

If I didn’t already have 6 sewing projects in my queue I’d be making that green gingham dress right about now.

I’m not surprised he’s so concerned about bathrooms given how constipated he looks in that picture.

I know what you mean, I am 43 and I feel like they tasted different when I was a kid too. Maybe it was just my taste buds changing? As far as I can figure out, Gros Michel wasn’t sold anymore in the US past the very early 1960's so there’s no way I could have actually had one.

I have a teenager. She’s not even out of bed yet. I’m not entirely sure she knows it’s Mother’s Day, frankly.

It’s so smooth it’s ridiculous. I don’t think it’s a very complicated flavor, but you’re not going to get any bitterness so it’s really easy to drink.

This fucker is 10.5% ABV and I have not had dinner yet. I’ve got a good buzz going.

To be fair, this is the first time my new insurance hasn’t paid for something, so I called my doctor and asked him to argue it. Pretty sure I can get most of it covered.

Oh and hey, in a timely bit of irony, I checked the mail and there’s a notice from my insurance company that they don’t think the anniversary scan that my doctor ordered to make sure I’m still cancer-free after 5 years is medically necessary, so it’s not approved and they won’t pay.

We had to borrow against our 401k to pay for my cancer treatment. After insurance. It’s ridiculous.

I had to have surgery twice in a 6-week period because the “benign” cyst on my thyroid turned out to be “holy shit that’s cancerous as fuck” when they took it out. The second time, my surgeon was apparently given an assistant surgeon who my insurance refused categorically to recognize. They wouldn’t pay a dime of his…

I had a planned c-section because of a uterine abnormality, and I thought it was a total breeze. The worst part was having the IV put in and the fact that I discovered I was allergic to the surgical tape they used for my dressing. Even if you’re having surgery it can be totally cake!

My brother’s wife thought she was having Braxton-Hicks right up until the minute she got the urge to push. She ended up delivering her second child at home. The paramedics were quite confused when my brother called them. They kept asking how far apart her contractions were and my bro was like “No, it’s over. The baby…

Kind of. All banana varieties are clones. So in the 50's, the Gros Michel strain of banana was hit by a fungus that basically wiped it out. Now we pretty much only get the Cavendish strain here in America. But because they’re also all genetically identical clones, any disease that can kill one plant will wipe them all…