I had the stupidest assignment once: a group-written 3-page paper. Our group had 5 people. For 3 pages.

Oh no way man. I’ve done that too many times. Now I’m like “Yeah, Brian didn’t do any of this.”

I have seen some looney women when I went back to school as an adult (the girl who attended an hour of a 3-hour class tops, never prepared a presentation but interrupted everyone else’s, tried to fight me when I asked her to be quiet, and then reported the professor for “discrimination” when she naturally flunked),…

I have NO RAGRETS!

Honestly, if I was following my mother’s framework I would have a spotless Martha Stewart home, where she would live and I would supply her with wine at all times. So ... you can maybe see why I thought moving 1000 miles away was a grand idea.

The trick that finally worked for me was folding in thirds, not in half. So you tuck all the corners into each other, and lay it flat so you have one elastic-y corner and the rest is just as flat as you can get it.

I might take 60 seconds to rinse off, but I’m not waiting an hour for the washer and dryer to finish.

I vote we change the word to “adultosauring”. It’s like adulting but with more trampling of Tokyo and atomic breath.

At 40, I decided on a spur-of-the-moment move to a different state. I felt like I was faking it the whole time. There’s no WAY I’m grown-up and responsible enough to move somewhere new and rent a home and all that stuff!

Because I don’t want to wash all the sheets at 1am when sex got too messy. I want to be able to put clean sheets on and go right the fuck to sleep.

Chaplin likes sweaters but he would object to a hood:

plz 2 skritch belleh nao

You know the sad thing? Newbury Park considers TO their rival ... but TO considers Westlake their rival. Nobody considers us their rival. Not even the Adventist Academy.

My friend makes those, and also one that is a shark eating your legs. Only kid’s sizes, though.

It took me an embarrassingly long time to connect the Hamilton musical that everyone was raving about to the weird Alexander Hamilton rap my political science professor kept playing in class 5(?) years ago.

Hi, my name is Jennifer. I was born in 1973.

PROM? Holy cow, you win.

I was very surprised at my graduation to receive a letter for ... Speech and Mock Trial. I did not even know those were things you could get one for.

BOOO LANCERS SUCK!

There’s this little hole-in-the-wall place I like that bills itself as Vietnamese but serves basically the greatest hits of all of Asia. Pad Thai, fried rice ... and coconut curry.