I feel sorry for people who are so gullible as to adopt an entire philosophy because someone said it would make them hornier.

I feel pretty confident in assuming my dog isn't going to claw my face in the middle of the night, stare at invisible things crawling on the ceiling, or knock shit off my shelves. He sits when I say "sit", wraps his big paws around me when I say "give me a hug", and always takes a nap from noon to four in the…

People who don't like poop treasure hunts, unpredictable animals with claws, and toxoplasmosis are insane; I agree.

If someone asked if I would rather have a hermit crab or a cat, I would grab that decapod before they finished the sentence.

Cold-pressed coconut oil is what I use. I used to dip my fingers in the oil and rub it on, then rub in a pinch or two of the baking soda. Recently I mixed up a batch to put in a glass jar to simplify things, but I think I used too much baking soda. If you're going to mix it, you want it to be more of a thick liquid…

Bergamot.

I am about to share with you the most valuable thing I have learned in my time as a human.

Why did you tell me that. Yerba Mate accounts for 92% of my fluid intake. Now you're saying there was once Yerba Mate CHOCOLATE and I will never get to have some?

My Whole Foods is littered with them. The best part is that you can eat it like a (very dark) chocolate bar, or have it as a drinking chocolate. They come in awesome flavors (chipotle, orange, cinnamon, coffee, salt and pepper).

For your consideration.

Or eschew cartridge razors altogether and get a safety razor. Best grooming decision I've ever made.

Safety razors are the fucking best. I spend $4 for a pack of 10 blades, and those are high-end. Look up Merkur razors on Amazon.

Boxers are unstoppable nap machines.

As a dad-jumping-out-of-nowhere survivor, I want to say that I feel for you.

I recommend this method for the boys.

No, but they are wet. The layer of moisture on the vaginal walls is thin, but very deep compared to how small a sperm cell is. They are swimming.

Who elected you spokesman of men everywhere?

It makes me sad that parents are encouraged to buy Lego sets according to color and some girls won't have the joy of building things according to the instructions once and then combining all of the kits to make the mother of all spaceships.

Vegan is more of an attitude of doing the least harm. The standards are different for each person. It's impossible to never buy or wear anything hat hasn't been made at the expense of animal. Everyone draws the lines differently.

What is an "evolutionary path"?