Fiancé suggested a nude wedding. That might solve the dress situation but it would be 100% more balls than I was planning on.

Seattle would be a cool stop over. I think the black sands would be awesome. I'd have that turtle for maid of honor all damn day.

Yes mimosas. Also, brunch, wine, cocktails with movie themes/origins, sing-alongs, quote-alongs and the occasional pirate cruise or Harry Potter Tri-Wizard Christmas ball, all but the sing-alongs of which I've had the extreme pleasure.

Hot damn, that's gorgeous. I'm glad you mentioned the big island because I'm entirely uninterested in a prop-plane ride and I know that's a frequent transportation mode between islands.

Hooooo boy. I was thinking Maui, I was not thinking of bringing children (our kid is 1 and... No.) or cross-relationship simmering ill-will! Good to hear about July because that's probably around the time we'd be looking at.

Dude, you should totally become a pimp now.

I think about it in vaguely glossy, old-timer at the end of a young adult movie terms. When grandma's about to die and little Jimmy is like, "But you can't die grandma!" And grandma is like, "Jimmy, I'm old as fuck and tired as hell. I'm ready for this shit." You know how you sometimes feel so tired you can't imagine…

Dealing with your kid's other parent seems to be the best time you can have, along side such old favorites as hitting your thumb with a hammer and dropping your cell phone in the toilet.

I'd take your charming husband up on his delightful offer to have the dog groomed or your hair re-dyed on his dime.

Someone's background of abuse and mental illness, while convenient excuses for current abusive behavior, are bullshit reasons for being an asshole to your partner. If you really want out, get your ducks in a row for living arrangements, transportation, belongings, personal support, divorce attorney, etc. Commit and…

Russian Tea Cakes

We have that in Austin: Master Pancake Theater at the Alamo Drafthouse Cinemas. Guaranteed they'll do 50 Shades.

Damn, that is a good year!

Hey Jezzzzzzzies. So we're thinking 'bout elopin'! Hawaii, don't know why but the idea popped into my head and I can't shake it. A private ceremony followed by a few days of volcano hiking, swimming, eating and tropical fucking!!! An Austin reception to follow.

I'll remind my husband of this for our next child. Now he can worry about what his tits will look like after nursing for a year.

I was really hoping that you were going to end that story by saying the grossest thing you've ever eaten was Joan River's ass.

Dude! I shucked an ear of corn once and found one of these! I thought it was a fucking alien and never knew what the hell it was until RIGHT NOW. Thank you (kinda? Cuz eww.)

There's a restaurant down the street called Olivia's that is known for its lamb fries which "are actually crispy lamb testicles served with aioli." They have a resistance while chewing that can only be described as feeling exactly like you'd think a ball would chew like, which is slightly unsettling.

I gave my son a scientist's name as his middle name in an attempt to instill an interest in science within him later in life. Plus, Nerdy = Sexy these days, so hopefully he'll clean up with the ladies (or gents!) too.

Save The Whales.