just remember that you can anthropomorphize anything if its got two eyes. Mr. LampFanChain. Ms. Doorknob. Mr. Showerhead. The Good Lady Apnea CPAPMachine.

The year was 2008 and I'd gathered all my tools as an Agent of Chaos. After receiving the affirmative when asking my friends if they'd be at work April 1st, I headed to the apartment assured the door would be kept unlocked by the roommate in cahoots. Upon my arrival it occurred to me that roomie might have been lying…

I never really got the legging issue as I'd always seen people wearing them with longer shirts until I saw a girl of 13 or 14 wearing leggings with a waist-length shirt at a restaurant last week. She had a seriously awesome booty but I had to see her and the man she was with join the rest of their family and see her…

Oh my god oh my god oh my god you guys. Oh my god. Seriously.

I hope the cops find him and he accidentally falls down a flight of stairs landing on two door knobs and a floor of sparsely laid out Legos.

I believe some healers truly empathize with their clients and feel they're doing good. HOWEVER. This is another profession where crooks thrive on the weak and I generally loathe these types. There's a crook in town that I wish would disappear into one of the overpriced "crystals" she buys in bulk off amazon and scams…

I'm not sure how anyone can be a Republican these days. It's like taking a job on a remote island in an underground bunker where your boss has an eye patch and is prone to fits of maniacal laughter. You have to know you're working for the bad guy.

In the school's defense, the administrators are a bunch of assholes.

Group text is the most efficient way to contact a big group of people. Not reported in the news was that Malaysian Airlines also used group text in an attempt to contact the passengers on flight MH370. It read "where u at"

Practice your "different strokes" face. We all need them for the plebeians.

Dude, 25 is a hard time. Seems like the Big Transitions in life show up around then. I could tell you it gets easier but that's up to you. The only constant in life is change! Happy Birthday - make this year your bitch!

Yeah, when they say "colorless," they actually meant colorless. Like black and white. I knew Hollywood wouldn't have the balls to go full Schindler's List up in this bitch.

Remember, (SPOILERS)

That's the most reasonable and thorough advice anyone's been able to give me, including my own family. Thank you, this should help me out a lot.

The "staying away from people part" - that's what kept this lady away from all the parties. If it's not always effective for Grave's but won't have any consequences other than being a pain in the ass, it might be worth the try.

Actually, the ignoring isn't a bad tactic. That's negative reinforcement right there - she doesn't receive a response from her behavior which should make it decrease over time. You could also float self-help articles about not negging on yourself to her or try some pact about how you could both change the way you talk…

I have hypothyroidism and use Synthroid successfully. I recently bridesmaided (?) with a girl who was undergoing radioactive iodine treatments and couldn't attend any of the pre-wedding events as a result. It put a mean cramp in her social life for a while but she came out better for it in the end.

My son vomited a metric FUCKton of milk back at me after breastfeeding today and I'm like, "Shit, kid just pulled a Lady Gaga on me." It's even more appropriate since he went to his first SXSW show yesterday. Baby Hipster.

Jesus, your whole day sucked but damned if your evening entertainment doesn't sound delightful. Have a blast!

11 week old son says, "Only 1 green beer for mommy," except it sounds more like, "GAH ahbuubrrrbbbbblllleed." And I love getting pissed on Paddy's. Whataeeyagunnado.