Ma Finch claimed for many years that Arpege was her favourite, but it made us all sneeze, so she switched to Chanel No. 5.

At the symphony in the Very Rich Lady circle. Have you ever seen a fat lady in a ball gown weep giant shuddering rhinoceros tears for 77 minutes straight? Pretty and not at all terrifying to a crowd of tiny bird-boned patronesses who haven’t shown emotion since poor Jack Astor died in that awful boating accident.

As the fine criminologists that we all are, I believe that Dr. Reid would not be happy with us if we didn’t point out that stabbing someone 24 times is usually done by someone intimate with them. And not in self-defense.

Remember, women: whatever you do, you’re doing it wrong. Yes, that goes for everything, absolutely everything.

“Something eccentric is happening,” he murmurs.”

Do you think he sings a little song in his head when Joe is talking for too long/what do you think that little song is

If I’m paying 31 million buckaroos for my wedding, it must include Idris Elba interrupting the proceedings, declaring his everlasting love for me and marrying me on the spot while David Bowie sings “Life on Mars.” For starters.

We had an epic fight in my family about that where my dad won it because he knew it was Mary. It was so bad the local priest had to be called to settle it. My religious aunt didn't talk to my dad fo awhile.

Eh, I’m gray everywhere. I was one of the venerable old commenters of yore here, but Natasha VC kicked me to the grays a few months ago for a harmless joke about... guh, I can’t even be bothered to rehash it, it’s so dumb.

I work at it everyday as my life depends on it.

All I know is that one time when I was 14, I was being a total bitch to my mother as we were walking down Oxford St in London. Instead of getting cross and telling me I was being an asshole, my mother (a creature of mirth and magic and farts) proceeded to drop her shopping bags and began to perform a jig. It was a…

I’m at this point where I absurdly feel that now I’ve come so far, I have to finish...

Oh man, I was just telling this story on another website this week ironically enough.

Fun Fact: Tippi Hedren is the reason why so many nail salons are run by Vietnamese:

Either a bro or a manzier depending on whether you are #teamkramer or #teamfrank

Yes. They have dedicated their lives to reenacting an upper-middle-class Victorian existence, only with a website and a PayPal button on the off chance you feel like supporting them in their grand technology-rejecting gesture.

Prepare your gorilla tears