Being puked on on a plane is basically my worst nightmare. One time I was on a flight where a lady kept walking her projectile-vomiting toddler up and down the aisle while she held him and he puked on at least 5 people over the course of the flight (not me). Like, I understand that it was a shitty situation for her…

I had sushi when I was 10, and it only took that long because my mother is philosophically opposed to it and finally my dad was just like “fuck it” and took me. That first bite was like watching the world explode in the best way possible and I never looked back.

Omg this.

Let me guess: He described himself a “Pro-Family”, anti-gay marriage, anti-abortion, tough-on-crime, small government Crusader.

#banmothersday

I haven’t had to break from my parents, but I’m a big encourager of those who need to do that for their mental and emotional health. I can’t stand the “but, but, but... they’re your PARENTS” people. Having sex that one time does not a family make. And neither does paying for stuff. Family is about love and support and…

Hey Jezzies.

Baby 1: “We need to have a serious talk about your choices”

That looks like a delicious game of Simon.

I have a story about that! Once upon a time one of my mom’s grad students was working as a waitress in a trendy restaurant. One day my mom goes there for lunch while her student is waiting tables. Afterwards, the waitress is like, “You’ve got to try our chocolate cake for dessert.” The waitress brings my mom the cake.…

And will they hire someone to make sure their fucking lizards don’t die?!?

I got left in a car which was subsequently “attacked” by cows as a child, and I turned out just fine.

Even the article reports it as “have sex with.” He let her out of the box so she could “have sex with him.” You know, under threat of being shoved back into a box the size of a small coffin, at knife point. “Sex With.”

I pick only the finest awesome from old vines, then smoke cure it over hickory. Afterwards it's barrel aged in imported oak barrels, before lastly being allowed to marinate in my secret 9-spice blend. Only then will I allow it to meet you, the consumer.

That second gif is amazing. Thank you for your dedication to always pay it forward with the best gifs

Yeah, but how does it compare to Jack White’s guacamole recipe?

It’s cases like this and many others that keep me firmly in the “nope” camp. No, sir; no, ma’am; nope. Imma stay here with the cats and Netflix and my TV and movie boyfriends that can’t become obsessed with me and pull this kind of shit.

In BREAKING NEWS they’ve found the anonymous tipster.

A dog sleeping on the floor of a cage in a shelter doesn’t care about crates, premium food, and expensive toys, he just wants a human of his own and a home, no matter how humble. There are millions of orphaned dogs and cats waiting for a forever home, scaring people off ‘owning’ a pet because of the seemingly high…