I've always heard that the longer couples stay together, the more they look like each other. So in my case, either I will be getting paler and taller, or my fiance will be getting browner and shorter.

On next week's program, Caiden will be joined by his siblings Aiden, Raiden, Jaiden, and Maiden. They will be discussing a taboo topic among youth: cooties. Tune in to learn how the Lieberal left started this craze, why more young women are choosing to be carriers, and what we can do to stop the spread of this menace.

My diet goggles are my contacts. Having worn a strong prescription in glasses for so long, my brain got used to everything being shrunken. Then I started wearing contacts and everything was huge again!

My mother has outright said she had my brother soon after me so I could (a) have someone to play with and (b) so she would have a "set". She even gave us matchy names (when we travel together customs agents always get a kick out of it). I like my brother and we are close. But would I have been deprived if I were an…

I look forward to being a short sneaky old lady. Perfect for scaring small children.

"I farted," whispered Harry.

There's lots of pictures of her smiling on the red carpet, though. She just has one of those faces that looks sullen in its default position. I think it's a bit weird to say that by not smiling she's doing a shitty job of promoting her movies, but that audiences will still go to the theatres and be robbed of an…

UH excuuuuuse me, but when I was 22 I donated all my organs and worldly possessions and now I live on another plane of existence. I also took first place in the oppression olympics.

Oooh, popchips. I just imagine Ashton's annoying brownface mug on the bag and my desire to eat them goes away.

DAT SPINE.

I agree with this. Personally I find the "it's a selfish choice!" thing irksome. Like you said, your brain is fucking with you. If you're not in a place where you can see things in perspective, killing yourself looks pretty damn noble. If you feel like a drain on your loved ones with nothing to contribute to the…

I don't understand how anyone could pretend like "hurl acid at women" is some common phrase. You can't just substitute "acid" for "vitrol" and act like it's a perfectly valid constuction. Maybe the Republican party should hire a linguist or something. Or stop making shitty metaphors.

I know! The cat can drink the organic version of red bull. Truly the most Ethical Solution™.

You can't get Paraguard if you have a history of heavy periods, like I do. Grumble.

He must have attended the Terry Richardson school of photography.

It reminds me of "Artist's Shit", except in reverse.

I assume MartiniO went that route and was told she was too old to adopt, not that she's assuming so. I have heard of age restrictions as well, so it must be a thing in some areas.

So Obama is a Gay Muslim African who travelled back in time to plant those birth announcements.

Assuming a price of $100,000 a visit thats....1100 booty calls. Either that or the people she's sleeping with are comically rich. lol.

Oh goodness, the House route. That would be horrible.