The real news here is that some of the competitors somehow managed NOT to die. We need to sequence their DNA so that someday, all of us can eat as many donuts as we like without dying.

I’ve had interviewees not only ask this question, but get upset that they aren’t getting an immediate offer. I’ve had to say, “We literally do not make offers after the initial interview, ever, to anybody,” and still they clearly didn’t believe me.

I was deliberately making myself the butt of the joke as a stealth way of making a complete non sequitur joke.

Clearly, some of the guys who go into policing are there specifically for the opportunity to kill someone legally. The evidence speaks for itself.

Yeah, if the whole reason you’re there is to prevent a death, and you instead cause it, that’s almost beyond failure.

I’ll take your limited English over her voluminous “English.”

Bananas ... how ... plebian. So mundane.

“Congratulations, you are the last human. You win.”

Gotta get the “toxins” out. Whatever those are ...

... if I had skipped lunch that day, and was planning to eat leftovers for dinner.

Yeah, OK, keep trying to cover up the fact that you don’t understand scores. The team that scores more points is the winner, except in golf, where more points is bad, unless you’re playing with the Modified Stableford Scoring System, in which case scoring more points is good again, unless you’re playing against a…

Estrogen is Bestrogen?

Sorry, I need all the toasters. Keep buying them tho.

Well darn. I guess I always knew it would end this way.

I are dude! I breathe, hafes skin, and also wears the shoes! Tell me more about this “US Weekly”!

Well of course we do! Do you expect us guys to wear articles of clothing TWICE? It’s not like any of us know how to use a washing machine.

Can’t we just let this genius brain surgeon/complete idiot figure out how he’s going to bow out with a modicum of dignity? Let him use his silly laundry excuse so he can powwow with the Lord and his Bible and figure out how he can parlay this ludicrous campaign into an even bigger payday. Is that so much to ask?

OK, OK that makes sense. But when DO you wear a garden hose? It’s still OK after Labor Day, right? One time I forgot I was wearing mine and I ate pudding at the same time.

Let’s not stop there, I think he needs full-on Chewbacca hair covering his entire face. Also, I’d prefer it if he spoke like Chewbacca, too, just a series of grunts and howls.

Maybe they extend, go-go-Gadget style, so he can paddle himself back up to Canada on the Mississippi River.