Not Pictured: The exact thing that the title of the article specifically refers to.

Where is the hoisting??

Since this is obviously a made up story, in order to make it easier for everyone else to separate fact from fiction here, I’ve taken the liberty of going through the entire article and highlighting the things that are obviously make believe so readers coming after me can focus on the aspects of the article that may be…

My brother-in-law loved Ken Griffey Jr. as a kid and ended up being a Mariners fan despite living entirely on the opposite side of the country.

Unbelievably, I had to correct this from “100% TRUMP supporter” to “110% TRUMP supporter.” 

That’s gotta Sting.

Roxanne! You don’t have to put on that red hat.

Some men pay a lot for that kind of thing in Moscow.

730 pacific time was a mercy. It’s was like 85 degrees at kickoff. I was at the Dodgers vs Yanks game dying. It’s almost as though our climate is changing somehow.

Yeah man, 17-inning baseball games with position players pitching and nobody running anything out anymore, that’s definitely better than a hard-fought draw.

An MLS blog that is honest about what it is but also complimentary of the entertainment the game provided?

*Checks author*

New nickname idea: The Lunar ‘Lander!

I mean...of anyone in the MLB, Verlander especially has the right to be super protective over who has access to his cell phone information.

Ironically they didn’t answer.

More:

The clip is only 57 seconds long, but the ball’s recording device recorded 18 hours of static while it was in right field.

If they’re trying to have a European style Soccer fanbase then, yeah, you’ll get some Nazis.

Trying to play devil’s advocate, would you like it if veiled conservative mantras (that nobody opposes in their literal meaning but that clearly mean something else) were banned like “Blue/All lives matter” (AKA black lives dont matter), “GOD bless America” (AKA we’re a Christian country), “Support our troops” (AKA…

MLS openly supports the Pride movement (as it damn well should), including rainbow flags & kits, but yet somehow also wants to court the neo-nazis?

This is just like my dad and me, only instead of hitting home runs for large sums of money, I’m an emotionally distant borderline alcoholic who can’t communicate a lifetime full of disappointment with a disengaged, functionally absentee parent. So cool!