Can I have someone carry me?

Exxxxxxxxactly. A sip of beer isn’t going to kill you (unless, of course, you’re an alcoholic or have other atypical responses to booze, in which case I would think you’d be better off sticking to water).

I only care about proper glassware if I’m in a bar. At home, we drink out of whatever we like. I have a number of shaker pints that are fine. I have a glass that I made myself at a glassblowing place that holds 32 ounces and that is also fine. On really hot days, I’ll pour beer into my Yeti coffee tankard (40 oz) and…

My hope is that she will be well-equipped to handle herself by then and will need less snooping from me. But of course I will keep as close an eye on her as needed! It’s tough to be a kid these days.

Pshaw, shovel out a path and grill all year-round!

Nah. We’re doing just fine over here, thanks.

Not that I have to justify my parenting to you, but I don’t think it’s “a bit much” at all. SHE IS ELEVEN YEARS OLD. Her phone is 100% open to me at all times, no questions asked. If she requires privacy for her thoughts, she can (and she does) keep a hand-written journal that I will not look at. But her phone is 100%…

I also have an 11-year-old daughter and she is limited to Instagram, which I check CONSTANTLY. I’m constantly snooping in her stuff and I will continue to do so until she’s in college.

You need a tiny bit of salt in your oatmeal before you start throwing other stuff on it, or you’re just making wallpaper paste.

THIS!! This is what I am saying to you!

Mouthy White Lady and Rude Negro: A Match Made In Snarky Heaven.

I just laughed because I know how those things are chosen, and also I kind of rolled my eyes because UM HELLO Idris Elba and Dev Patel both exist in the world and would handily win a popular vote-style contest of that type.

Nooooooo shit, Captain Obvious. But that PR team pays to promote the thing they think will appeal to the greatest number of white people... and GUESS WHO those white people are? Exactly the people I described.

You’re overthinking it, pumpkin. Don’t try so hard, you’ll strain something.

Middle America (my ancestral land) has a certain segment of women who find Lauer and other bland white dudes of his type attractive. It was no surprise to me at all when the unsalted bowl of oatmeal called Blake Shelton was named Sexiest Man Alive, because I am personally acquainted with at least 15 women who agreed.

Short pours! He can’t figure out why he still feels sober after three, so he keeps spending money and spending money and spending money. SHORT POURS WILL SAVE US ALL.

For stuff like that, it is excellent. Anything you’d puree or mash does very well in the IP.

Oh for fuck’s sake. One-third of a shitty beer isn’t going to give your kid fetal alcohol syndrome. And if the drink you received tasted “odd,” SEND IT BACK YOU WEAK IDIOT. You are the customer and you have every right to receive what you ordered.

Oh yeah, I don’t want one of those either. I want the French doors up top, freezer on the bottom, NO OTHER NONSENSE. I could get away with no freezer at all upstairs because I have a chest freezer in the basement but running up and down the stairs all the time could become a pain in the ass.