I have a folding card table that was handed down from my MIL after she died. It’s very safe and likely only cost $10 in the first place. Ben Carson is welcome to it.

I hope that, like 15 years from now, we’ll get “Jamie Foxx and Katie Holmes celebrate their 20th wedding anniversary! AND OH BY THE WAY THEY’VE BEEN MARRIED THIS WHOLE TIME.”

They could vacuum-seal it!

If you ever get a chance to get Guinness from the source, do it.

The best was when I was arguing with the insurance company about it:

Mine do not. That would have cost me an additional $3000 when I got these. The upside is that the technology changes so fast that my fancy cutting-edge hearing aids I got 5-ish years ago are incredibly obsolete, so most of the functionality I couldn’t afford back then is likely within my price range now. Since my…

I wonder how this would work with my hearing-impaired self. I could take the hearing aids out, put in earbuds, connect to the phone and do the technology magic. Hmmm. I might be giving this a try.

Obviously the other half-bottle precedes the haggis meal. The remaining half is to help you get through it.

If you look around, you will see people walking around with what appear to be travel pillows around their necks. That’s actually a fat roll.

I actually like haggis, though, if it’s prepared correctly and in Scotland and accompanied by half a bottle of whisky.

That’s how you do parenting!!

All the co-ed beer groups I’m in are SO DRAMATIC (about this and literally every other issue) but the lady-only ones are chill. Funny, that.

{HEART EYES EMOJI}

I have always said that if I were to become a farmer, I’d end up vegan because all of my animals would have names and backstories and cool hats.

That is absolutely the way to go if you can swing the upfront cost, but be sure you have backup electricity if you live in a place where it gets stormy and you have the potential to lose power. I did a cow share with a friend and she lost power and lost $400 worth of meat. Whoops!

A friend of mine makes something like this for parties and she’s really proud of it but I can’t bring myself to touch it.

I looooooooooooooooove these cookbooks. They are the gift that keeps on giving, when you’re paging through them all “what the actual fuck, Martha? Curried chicken dip that calls for maraschino cherries?”

AMEN PREACH AND TESTIFY.

I would love to do more shopping in brick-and-mortar stores, but it’s difficult when they don’t have the things I need. For example, I needed a new cup thingy for my Nutribullet, so I went to Bed Bath & Beyond, which you would expect to sell such things. No dice. I could get a whole new unit but a replacement cup? Oh,…

If I could have Adam Rippon and Lin-Manuel Miranda as my personal life coaches, I could take over the entire galaxy before lunch.