GarBar, pronounced “GareBear”

There’s a lady at my synagogue named Shirley. So is her husband. They’re adorable, the Shirleys.

There is a giant circle (not the kind that’s generally a roundabout) with lights on 3 of the 5 roads entering it. Makes zero sense, but then again, this is New Jersey, home of no left turns because jughandles, so there you go.

If the shoe fits...

Barry and Garry? MADE FOR EACH OTHER.

AMATEUR!!

Bud Light, though? That’s only what. 4.5%? C’mon, bro. Chug a pitcher of 14% Imperial Russian Stout (good practice, Comrade!) and then we’ll see how you’re doing.

He’s been a shitbag for YEARS. Why does it take him crossing SO FUCKING FAR over so many lines over a sustained period of time for advertisers to say “oh, wait - maybe we don’t want to be associated with this?”

When Pop finally (FINALLY, AT AGE 96) died, all the kids in the family were like “wait, Passover is fun? Who knew?”

Wellllllll the ones we used to suffer through with What’s-His-Name’s grandfather at the helm weren’t nearly as fun. He wouldn’t allow anyone to do ANYTHING until directed by the haggadah, and we went through the WHOLE THING. Now? 15 minutes of telling stories and then we eat! And drink!

You can Skype into mine: it’s basically this: let’s drink, Four Questions, let’s drink some more, festive meal, let’s keep drinking.

Yeah but when you get it? Wheee!

EVERY TIME one of these comes up, and we’re talking like once a week or more, I want to be surprised but I never, ever am.

My cat is in the 37% of “fuck you feed me” cats. He’s beautiful and majestic and fabulous but wholly uninterested in the people of the house until his food dish is empty.

The Cleveland Browns are about to offer him the QB position.

TIMELY.

You’d think! What kind of loon buys a fridge you can’t stick magnets on? That is legitimately my first question when this one dies and we have to replace it.

I’m jealous!! If I want to stick things on the front of my fridge (mission control for a busy family) I have to use tape or something.

We would collect magnets but our fridge has a stainless-steel facade (I don’t even know, it came with the house) and magnets don’t stick to it. :/

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!