Nazarene Listerine

My orthodontist prayed over me after removing my braces, while I was still reclined in the chair. It’s been ten years since it happened so I don’t remember the exact words of his prayer, but it was basically about God watching over me and helping me make good decisions (basically not being a slut). Oh, Dr. Dave.…

The doctor has been trying to explain evolution to Jesus for the past hour, but our lord and saviour just keeps saying “Nuh-uhhh, my dad said HE did that!! Look, it’s in this book my pals wrote and everything!”

Is that a violation of HIPPA? I don't recall signing anything that gave him permission to show my chart to Jesus.

My uncles wife said something once about the yoga I was doing to relive some back pain. I Told her if I really wanted to summon demons I’d succeed and she wouldn’t know until it was too late.

“Look Dave it says right here that Voldemort began dividing his soul into the horcrux’s by splitting his soul in half. Therefore half HALF of his soul was in the diary that Harry destroyed in the Chamber of Secrets! It wasn’t equal parts of his soul in each horcrux so there would have only been a fragment in Harry in…

To be fair, Jesus would probably support scientific advances that help people live better lives.

That doctor looks all “Yeah, I know, Jesus. Go away, I’m reading.”

Yum! Hot Jesus. Almost makes me want to go back to Sunday School. The guy who painted this has done others with the same model. They get a lot of laffs and lecherous comments over on the “Christ on a Crispy Cracker” board on Pinterest, which is where I get my Jesus fix these days. The painting that looks like Jesus is…

I once went to a doctor who had pencil drawings of Reagan, Georgie Sr, and Georgie Jr hanging in his office. He asked me what I was studying in school, and when I responded archaeology, he said “Oh so you’re into all that ‘we came from dolphins’ stuff huh.” YOU ARE A PHYSICIAN. YOU DONT BELIEVE IN EVOLUTION, YOU DONT…

I think Jesus just spotted an accounting discrepancy.

Is this real life?

Here, Jesus advises the dentist on the relevant ways he can squeeze Medicaid/Medicare for every last fucking shekel.

The doctor just looks SO pissed with Jesus.

Better version:

I also go to a Christian dentist. He used to be one of my neighbors before I moved. He sends his children to a local private school that is very religious. His office quietly plays bland pop music from a local radio station, there is no overt religious art or other stuff around the office and he never asks me about…

She turned me into a downward dog!