Caulk hurts everyone. THINK OF THE CHILDREN.

This will be the last Behind Closed Ovens to appear on Kitchenette. It will not, however, be the last Behind Closed Ovens. Starting next Monday, November 30, the series will continue on Wonkette. If you’d like to read more crazy restaurant stories in the future, feel free to tune in over there at your…

I enjoy the specificity of the kale story. “Illuminati Kale” is just such a vivid descriptor; I have to wonder if “Masonic Kale” or “Skull and Bones Kale” would have been more acceptable.

My cold dead heart just grew three sizes. Starting the week with a reminder that not everyone who enters a restaurant is possessed by the Entitlement Monster is so great. And brings back the memories of the people I served who were not only decent but stand-up humans. Like the guy with the wallet stuffed full of the…

AMAZING REFERENCE ALL THE STARS TO YOU!

...spare no expense or effort in trying to impress his Valentine’s Day date. By taking her to Ruby Tuesday. And by trying to impress the server. At Ruby Tuesday.

This is very accurate, thank you. I wasn’t “fine” with it, but it wasn’t the mountain I wanted to die on.Being accused of negligence by the police officer who responds to reports of a child missing was a whole other ball game.

...don’t feed the trolls, but they’re so sad-looking! THEY NEED SNUGGLES.

It was really a liability issue, combined with the age of the child. If something had fallen on him, if he’d fallen and hit his head, if he’d been kidnapped? We live in way too litigious of a society for my manager not to be super concerned about the possible ramifications of a small child alone in the store. Plus…

The McDonald’s and the Mall story reminds me of this -

“ He just kept saying we’re oppressive white men who want to control women’s lives and stuff.”

After all, spoiled kids are generally allowed to be unchecked spoiled kids until they murder someone.

Is it a rule that any customer who arrives five minutes before closing and insists on being seated must, without exception, behave in the worst way imaginable? My coworkers and I used to play Rock Paper Scissors to decide who would stay while the cooks glowered from their stations like wrathful gods.

Marcy received “clear expectations concerning his future interactions with students.”

When I was in high school, one of my best friends worked at the big local movie theater. It had twelve screens; as a town, we’d really arrived. Anyway, A was not huge on working there but she did enjoy things like gas money so she put in her time. Her least favorite thing to do was clean the glass display case that…

After reading about grape jelly on pizza, I feel compelled to withdraw my irritation at my customers complaining when ketchup, mustard and/or balsamic vinegar wasn’t delivered automatically along with parm and red pepper flakes. I see now that it could have been SO MUCH WORSE.

How weird that individual rights are not important when it comes to bodily autonomy, women owning their sexuality and having agency but TOTALLY SACROSANCT when it comes to carrying a deadly weapon

I just picture S. Meyer sitting at her computer thinking, “They want fanfic? I’LL SHOW THEM FANFIC!” and then emerging from her darkened study with the manuscript held aloft as she screams “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

Wait, a long-term study held to high and rigorous standards conducted by trained professionals proved that there is no link between vaccines and autism? I for one am shocked. SHOCKED I say!

What better way to “investigate” a “misuse of tax payer money” than to stage an expensive, tax payer funded committee based circus that will spend months asking questions that could be answered with a basic Google search and ultimately find nothing.