“Right now they ‘re more like comic book collectors; human life only holds value until you take it out of the package and then it’s worth nothing.”

Variety confirms that Jacob is “Julie” in the new book. Which is surprisingly disappointing. I was holding out for “Jezebel” but I guess that’s a little on-the-nose.

I suppose that when someone else is making a stone cold fortune off fan-fiction based on your work that it’s not that big a jump to “oh, you want fanfic? I’ll show you fanfic! ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!”

Almost like she thinks that using cotton-candy colors, a parrot and happy sparkly phrases like ‘positivity app’ will distract from the undercurrent of “this seemed like a good way to make a lot of money very quickly and that’s what we’re about.” It doesn’t even take imagination to figure out how bad an idea this is.

I suppose it’s a fair question; some people colloquially call all soda “coke” despite it being an actual type and brand of soda.

“The revocation was based on a pile of lies, including the idea that I promote violence.”

Again with this “HAR HAR BEHOLD IT IS I, CONQUEROR OF RESTAURANT STAFF” crap. Like, if you don’t want to tip just be a garbage human and don’t tip before you go back to your small, smugly superior life unaware of the fact that an eternity of paper cuts followed by lemon juice await you in the next world. Looking for…

Thank goodness for good people with excellent sense. I’m listening to the live stream of this committee meeting and the best (perhaps only) word for it is farcical. Seriously, if we’re going to talk about where federal tax dollars are going, this long, expensive and absurd exercise cannot be a good use of them. Hooray…

I totally get that. It may seem like semantics, but the difference between someone saying “I’d like a bottle of water that hasn’t been refrigerated” and someone saying “Room temperature water” is HUGE. The former is clear, specific, fabulous. The latter signals a battle of the water glasses that begins with the phrase…

Not terribly often, but I do visit!

I had people ask me on the regular “Does your water come from the tap?”

Oh, that is too awesome! It’s just so happy. And it fits so perfectly. I love it (but will totally change it if you’d like me to!)

Agreed; the policy in my restaurant was that you went by the amount on the ‘total’ line. Unless that line was blank, which happened a lot, at which point the amount written on the ‘tip’ line was sacred. Basically my managers went by ye olde metric of ‘what will the customer be looking for on their credit card…

After adjusting the temperature of their water twice

Someone acts out a “Daria” episode and I and my video camera are nowhere to be found.

She. Called. In. Dead.

Welcome to “The View,” increasingly offensive and languishing in its own irrelevance since 2004.

PREACH. My manager assigned me the task of planning the midnight release party, and then partially relieved me of the duty when I kept insisting that a disco ball and bobbing for forbidden fruit would be HILARIOUS.

I was super hoping she’d say “revenge, served cold” but I’ll take dry wit however it comes.

I absolutely was. We actually opened a box to try them, and they tasted just as much like chalky death as I’d imagined they would.