Cliff notes version:

Because our country was built on an ancient Indian burial ground and it’s finally coming back to haunt us.

“works”

Not all Americans and not even the majority of those voting. The folks that voted for him see loudness and brashness as leadership and they really hate people that aren’t like them that much. That and they will believe anything as more than a dollop of fear is communicated along the way.

Hello. I’m not American. Can someone tell me why America thought it was a good idea to make a functionally illiterate man with severe personality disorders the President of the United States of America?

Hi, I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such elite career orientation videos as “So You Want To Run General Electric?” and “Orientation The Right Way: Welcome To the St. Louis Cardinals.”

Today we’ll learn together about the exciting world of being the President of the United States. First, welcome to the Oval…

Hahahahahaha! I imagine him being escorted into the White House Break Room to watch a VHS tape while sitting in a folding chair. “Here we see Will talking to Erica. Will thinks Erica looks very pretty in her nice blue dress. What should Will say and do next?”

Ugh, and the 3 hours spent on benefits. Do they match 401(k) contributions? How long till they’re vested? And figuring out deductions since he’ll be paying DC and NYC taxes?

As funny as this is, I can almost guarantee he actually thought there would be some sort of orientation video. “Welcome! Congratulations on being elected to be the leader of the free world...”

Being forced to watch the White House orientation video must have been tough for him, since it doesn’t mention him. The part about sexual harassment in the workplace must have been uncomfortable.

The government contends that the district court lacked authority to enjoin enforcement of the executive order because the president has ‘unreviewable authority to suspend the admission of any class of aliens’ …

and then the rest of the movie is boring filler

Awww, poor thing was my first reaction too. I assure you it’s heartfelt.

Aww poor baby

I’ve worked in veterinary medicine my entire life and I can tell you that you absolutely did the right thing. They are very sensitive to a lot of things that we aren’t, such as things like artificial sweeteners.

poor stoned doggo

I didn’t provide the weed, but my dog had a similar experience. Hiking in Griffith Park in LA, she goes behind some sage scrub and returns with a literal shit-eating grin—she had found someone’s emergency poop and really dug in. The pooper must have been on some wicked edibles, because a few hours later the dog is…

Mine ate a tiny chunk of bud I was about to pack in a bowl and could barely move. I had to keep getting her up and walking her around like a heroin OD. Kept me up all night. I can only imagine multiple grams of concentrated hash.

I was in a large group of people in a house eating mushrooms the one time... a girl (for whatever reason) was eating her share on bread with peanut butter. Then she apparently left it on the table, and the dog got it.

My dog ignores weed, but once ate a few grams of hash that had fallen off the table. I found her basically catatonic and shaking, covered in her own urine. Had to drive half an hour to an emergency vet at like 2am. I had to personally call some poison control number (you have to pay for the consult) and tell them how…