• FELL OFF TOILET, FELL ONTO A MOUSE TRAP, TRAP CLOSED ON PENIS

SOMEONE STEPPED ON A RAKE AND ITS HANDLE STRUCK HIM IN THE TESTICLES

SWELLING TO PENIS AFTER USING PENIS PUMP

I cut Sudfeld with phosphorous and iodine to make meth. 

A Miami resident leaves temple early so he doesn’t miss out on a great deal?

I mean, we have literal evidence that Snyder can’t see the forest for the trees. 

Look, we lionize NFL coaches for their workaholic video study, but maybe this is the singular case of the coordinator who actually eats the tape.

Welp, be sure to have a good answer ready when asked to choose the form of The Destructor.

Just FYI, when I get back to my computer from the bus stop I’m gonna ban everyone who came here to defend this doofus. Thanks.

Well right, and measuring the straight-line speed of one vehicle passing through the tunnel doesn’t really tell you anything. The relevant speed figure is how many riders it can move along per unit of time. In which case, in order to make one-car-at-a-time faster than, say, the DC Metro, that car would have to be…

Some men just want to watch the world burn. But even the Joker thinks this is fucking absurd.

Am I the only one that wears Kleenex boxes as shoes? What’s wrong with you people you all disgust me.

Can we get an official update on Drew? You don’t have to get into specifics or anything, just a simple “he is doing better should be back soon” would be nice.

“If you need a refresher on the whole imbroglio...”

Los Angeles really put a CHARGE into the Kan-SAWS City CREEPS tonight!!! HEE-HEE-HEEEEEEE!!! They were seeing Rivers all over the field - RIVERS OF BLOOD!!! MWAH-HA-HA-HA-HAAAA!!!

OH GREAT, another berth. Just what the Rivers household needs!

In the post game interviews, the Flyers kept saying, “We gotta find a way to win games like this.”

Alternate title:

Well, whatever accident Drew had obviously impaired his ability to pour a beer...