I don't have time today, but she also needs your stories. She needs to stay on-topic, otherwise they'll end her filibuster, so if you can share your 500-word story, it'll help keep her going.

IN BEER????????

Assuming the door is big enough.

Nope. Like Dodai said, it's our natural hair, just picked out - like a version of pigtails. Can you imagine if they banned pigtails or ponytails? That's what this is like for black girls. :\

Monsters, that's who.

Why on earth would anyone want to ban the cutest hairstyle in the whole world?

I don't know, do I? Did I say that? I don't recall. I mean, some of my best friends are white.

It's like the same damn conversation again and again. I can't believe that it's 2013 and people are still shocked that white people appropriating is a problem. I mean, really, wtf?

I'll get that bitch a short position on commodities futures. Bitches love short positions on commodities futures.

I heard she went to live on a farm w/ the original Becky from Roseanne.

"Perhaps if some of you (not YOU PEOPLE, just in general) didn't presume that all of us (white-straight-men) are mouth-breathing carbon copies flushed from the anus of a tyrannical woman-oppressing borg - and that some of us weren't anonymously hurling invective at you on social media - then maybe we could just talk…

This guy sounds like the worst type of guy. Besides being a lukewarm combination of narcissistic, homophobic, and misogynist, he also commits the ultimate sin of thinking he is extremely clever and witty while being SO NOT EITHER OF THOSE THINGS. You can tell by the verbose, sarcastic, adverb-ridden writing style that…

Oh please. That guy's not funny enough for anyone to censor his routine. I wouldn't censor his routine if you paid me. That guy is just jealous of all the comics whose routine I do want to censor. He just wants to be censored and is mad that he doesn't get to live out his censorship-fantasies.

#OccupySeaAnemone

I hope you're funnier on stage than you are on Twitter.

My vag *is* like Narnia. It's buried behind a pile of furs.

Yeah, she totally shouldn't have worn those slutty, well-reasoned opinions like she did. She had it coming.

My brother got married in D.C in May. While taking wedding photos at Lincoln Memorial, the Touchtones from Cornell offered to sing to us. I managed to not cry during the ceremony but not during this.

Forget it, the tribal thing will never work. The Jets and the Sharks already tried it and couldn't make it work. Not even after 8 years of jazz and six years of tap.