Despite the photos being overexposed, her hair looks TEN TIMES BETTER THIS WAY. KEEP IT THIS WAY, GIRL, PLEASE! I’M ROOTING FOR YOU! WE’RE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU! (well, maybe not all of us)

I forgot. Black people are immune from guerrilla marketing. My mistake.

I’d like to come Netflix and Chill with you. Every time I do it with someone else, they completely neglect the pizza.

What are these? I CAN’T EAT CONDOMS.

Garmies replaced by futuristic secret spacesuits you wear under your clothes!

You know, both the Scientologists and the Mormons are facing a lot of criticisms lately and they’re both basically Space Jesus cults run by hucksters. I’m thinking a merger is in order.

So she's saying that it's not a clock? Do tell me, Sarah, what is it?

They should have just cut the baby in half, problem solved.

I thought that said “trump hates logic."

There’s definitely been an increase in public mass shootings.

This guy is so pissed he can't see his baby that he FUCKING SHOOTS THE BABY.

This tells me she was 100% right in not wanting him to have visitation. This sucks.

And nurses routinely poll #1 as America’s most trusted profession. Almost everyone has a relative, friend, or neighbor who is or was a nurse.

I guess the unfortunate truth behind that is that mocking nurses is never seen as appropriate by anyone. Most people have personal experience with nurses, and that’s where this is coming from.

I have been a people pleaser and a doormat my entire life. But this weekend something glorious happened! A gentleman who happened to be standing next to me when I was out with my friends, turned my way and said, “You would look so much better with longer hair.”

I asked him to repeat himself, in order to validate the…

I said that to someone who really deserved it at my brother-in-law’s wedding two years ago, and I’ve been on a giant “fuck-off” streak ever since. Best thing I ever did.

From the AP: “She had recently told friends she had grown afraid of her husband because they had been fighting so much.”

I’ve definitely misjudged the strength and eaten too much of a potent edible and it's always just made me very uncomfortable and then sleepy.

Any edible that’s overly strong would just make someone completely zonk out in their personal hell of Maureen Dowd-style “Did I die and nobody told me?

A+, WOULD WATCH. Oh man that sounds goddamn amazing — like MadMen for science/history nerds. Let’s write a treatment and see if we can get HBO to pick it up.