Curiously I find I enjoy both of these WAY more on draft than out of the bottle. Something to do with the location they’re shipped from?

How the hell did Christopher Walken not make the list of celebrity officiants? I know he’s a cliche at this point, but that would be insane.

I write this without sarcasm: I think the main reason I enjoy reading these columns is the serious and thoughtful analysis punctuated by calling the reader a turd for even potentially disagreeing. Rhetoric at its finest, and its basest.

Was the guacamole garnished with peas and sunflower seeds?

To be fair, we should just nuke the entirety of Florida. The only good things that come from that state are oranges and ridiculous drug stories.

We could go the opposite direction and shoot them into the sun.

Guaranteed that at least half of them described him as “one of the good ones”.

Yeah, okay, these sound bad. But nothing will ever top the awfulness of their Cappuccino flavor, which tasted precisely like cremated ashes. Fuck those chips straight to hell.

Ugh, you’re completely right. They’ll see this as virtuous.

Money for corporations, not the stupid poors that toil on their behalf!

Hmmm. Deserves +1 for pop culture reference, deserves -1000 for putting that fucking song in my head...

Yeah yeah, I’ve read David Nutt as well. I mean that it’s roughly in the same ballpark of potential harm if used responsibly, and doesn’t belong in the same class as highly addictive drugs like heroin or meth.

“Oh shit, I’m way behind the other candidates on my bigotry.”

That’s entirely correct. It’s about as boring and potentially harmful as, say, alcohol. Which makes it kinda dumb that it’s still (federally) illegal.

You shut your face. I have the next 20 years to crush any slivers of hope that I’m dumb enough to cling to.

You’re a genius. I’m having a child in a few months AND we need a new fridge. This cannot lose.

YES. Gin and cider is a shockingly good combo.

Objectively awful is what it is.

I am all for this if it means we get to have another French Revolution and get rid of the royal family for good. Somebody polish up the guillotine.

1. Differing opinions, readings, and interpretations of the same source material is the entire basis of debate.