Which went into the shitter this past season. BECAUSE of what they did to Common's character. Mofos.

"Someone put cocaine in my water." I'm stealing this one for the next time I call in sick.

It runs in my family. My grandmother told "stories" but they were pretty harmless, like how her mother was "bled" into the Pawnee tribe by the Indian nanny who raised her.

I was in high school from 86 through 90, and it wasn't that uncommon for a student to bum a smoke from a teacher. Our campus had a designated smoking area, called the "smoke hole." Oklahoma in the 80's, so progressive...

What's with the Marines? I briefly dated one who loved to tell me about shooting camels in Iraq just for fun. After our first date, he had our wedding completely planned, down to the powder blue bridesmaids' dresses. The final straw was when he called me 7 times in an hour. Psycho ass motherfucker.

Ugh. I totes hate it when I can't remember what degrees I accidentally earned.

My fave is "irregardless." I love the snickers I have to suppress when some colleague with a PhD. from some REALLY IMPORTANT UNIVERSITY busts out with an "irregardless" in a department meeting.

I warn my students about that one the first day of classes, and then proceed to tell them how my grandpa died the Friday before a semester started, and about my cousin who was killed by a drunk driver in the middle of the semester, and if they want to lie about dead relatives they'd better bring proof, 'cuz Miz…

Mo'ne's got mad skills.

I was coming here to make that joke. Thanks for beating me to it, and doing a far better job than I could have!

Yep. It's called a shotgun.

Word. I live on a farm, and even wethers can be mean and rough as fuck. The nastiest caprine of all, however, is our herd queen, Scottie. She will cut a bitch just for shits and giggles.

My mother is the worst person who has ever lived. Her third husband is as interesting as a wall. When they were in California a few years back, they wanted us to meet them somewhere on their way back from Southern California to Oklahoma, so they could see my kids. (Because I somehow turned out to be a great person,…

Grief can lead to near-psychotic rage that comes seemingly out of nowhere. I've had it happen. It's scary as fuck. Glad they're all okay.

But it's such a GOOD pun, homes! Be proud!

We have coyotes that live in the orchards surrounding our property. We are high on a bluff, so we can look down and see the motherfuckers staring up and circling our property. I hate coyotes. I want them all to die.

Holy Mary, Mother of God! Those were the shows to end all shows. My first boyfriend went to one of them. I was so jealous.

I so want to run my fingers through that thick, lush rug. Ohhhhh! Daddy!!!

Excellent vocab and punning, mi amigo.

Word.