Look, I grew up around a lot of uneducated, ignorant people. This is just how they speak. Always hyperbole. Always phrasing things in confusing or inaccurate terms. Always blustery. Always ridiculous.

‘The 40-40 Club” would be a good MILF porn

I was going to ask this. It’s really the only question that matters.

how big is his penis tho

So that’s where he ended up.

Corona isn’t even the best cheap Mexican beer. Corona is bad, skunk beer, and is only saved by adding lime juice, which is delicious in just about anything.

Baseball and beer in the same sentence made me think of Old Style.  For over 100 years it was the only thing that could put a worse taste in the mouths of Cub fans than the team themselves.

This is precisely the reason. I thought this was common knowledge?

Yeah, that’s always been my rule of thumb. If you’re watching a game, at the stadium or at home, go ahead with “We should have scored” or “The Refs are screwing us”.

“That’s like re-segregating the country, why would we want that? Besides of course the reasons Tucker Carlson and I lay out every night.”

I Never Had My Butt Fingered: A Cautionary Tale.

The NFL and it broadcast partners would like to remind our viewers that September is Prostate Cancer awareness month. Don’t forget the importance of getting an annual exam. 

“I’ve also never had my butt run into by my own team’s quarterback, resulting in a fumble that was returned for a touchdown by the opposing defense. That was the O-lineman’s butt. My butt had nothing to do with it. People forget that,” continued Mark Sanchez.

Buffalo buffalo buffal Buffalo buffalo buttholes. 

I can’t believe the guy hocking a nutritional supplement pyramid scheme would support something that’s proven harmful by science. Weird. 

If conversion therapy is so effective, why do the Saints carry a punter on their roster?

dont bring your bible to school - its killed more people than guns could ever hope to.

Yes, it’s Mike Mayock! The football sensation that’s sweeping the nation! Only $14.95 at participating stores! Get one today!

I’m a Bears fan, I only drafted kickers

The rumpled goofball look is part of his shtick. Looking like a harmless doofus is comforting to people who should otherwise be bloody terrified by his leadership style.