I. You missed a golden opportunity to format this post as if it were the NFL rule book:

You left off 4,800 rushing yards, 58 rushing TDs, and more clutch First Downs than you can count, but hey, every QB in the league can do that, right?

He folded it vertically so it would fit in the inside pocket of his suit jacket. That way he got to make the dramatic move of whipping it out as if he was wavering, but then went through with it.

He might be able to compete with Ron Mexico.

It’s like the plot of Major League, if the nefarious owner’s goal was to have someone murdered in the locker room.

How about half the distance to the goal line? A 55-yard play becomes a 27.5-yard play. 

What does everyone think about the Department of the Interior’s Instagram? @usinterior?

Looks like someone’s trying to win a Darwin Award at that race.

I’ll give you $30 for the personal brand and MetroCard. You can keep the Natty Light.

Does anyone have the South Park gif of Randy Marsh negotiating with the Japanese?

I love the District and am proud to live here.

A competition to see who is the most clueless NFL owner would be way more entertaining than the Super Bowl.

Humans. Quit blaming everything on the lizard people. It’s not always our fault... but one day we will destroy your society and enslave you all. Stupid humans.

Thank you for this article. While I never worked on the Hill, I’ve known dozens of good people that have. If they make waves, their careers are over. Some bosses are good. Most are tough. A few are downright terrible. And everyone knows who they are. I always thought the public would be interested, but it never gets…

Could I talk to you about the Satanic Temple?

The lady journalist asked me how I tapped into that.

They should play somewhere in Utah. I’d love to see what happens to Raiders fans when they find out there’s no beer.

If a billionaire loses 99% of their wealth, they can still afford a private island. If an average American loses 99% of their wealth, they can afford a gumball.

No Jeff Garcia? I thought he played for every team in the league.