I really hate Burger King, but now I really want to order two Whoppers Junior.

‘No way to prevent this, says sport where this regularly happens’?

Just make it Deadspin’s version of The Onion’s mass shooting article

the only reason he thinks he can get away with it is literally every single experience he’s ever had.

The thing that gets me about this is that there’s literally no other scenario in the world where a dink like Stevens would do this to someone like Lowry who could clearly and easily kick the shit out of him. The only thing that lets someone like Stevens think he can get away with it is a lifetime of thinking that…

Finally, a video that belongs on Deadspin.

These aren’t mutually exclusive, you judgmental ass. And i was trying to generate a bit of dark humor, but since that was obviously lost on you, let’s examine, shall we?

My vote? Time-traveling tourists. Sightings are increasing because we’re getting closer to WWIII, a popular destination in time for history buffs.

You also need to never, ever wear those same clothes to the office again. Sure, you didn’t shit on your shirt (or I hope to god you didn’t) but you don’t want people to think “Oh yeah, that’s the purple-and-yellow shirt Dave shat himself in. Ol’ Dave’s shittin’ shirt. God, that guy, just shitting himself all the time…

I too am a handkerchief man. Quite versatile indeed, old chap.

RE: “miracle napkin-tissue-paper towel product” 

You shit yourself at work during a meeting. It’s obvious to all present—they can hear it, smell it and, as you run out of the room, see it.

But when it reached the part of the speech where Reagan addressed “the enemies of freedom,” the following images were shown: A protester in a beanie with an anti-fascist slogan

And also the pride you feel when you see 60,000 fans at a sporting event raise their cup to you and your service brought to you by Budweiser. 

To be fair, if the only time you ever hear the price of a beverage is at a major professional sports event, $20 for a gallon of milk is about right.

I don’t care who they cast as long as he wears a chainmail vest.

Seems like Jizyah Shorts peaked too early. 

I knew once Deadspin started covering fucking soccer that fencing couldn’t be far behind. 

Whoever did the lightsaber version must have been pretty board.

Not sure what shower girl did, but middle two did nothing but shriek. Downstairs, you the real MVP.