I kinda get why some people sprinkle emojis like they’re words, irritating as that might be. They’re cutesy! They can represent words! My MIL does that, I just take deep breaths and try to decipher what the hell she meant.

The secret to their long-lived marriage is easy. They just [This material has been removed due to a copyright claim by the Church of Scientology.]

Challenge accepted.

Weddings can so easily be boiled down to a microcosm of a lot of ills in this country. Weird patriarchal traditions, forced fun, rampant capitalism, overly-expensive one-time use dresses that are Made In China...

Jokes on them. Floyd doesn’t know what the shirt says.

I bet to chickens, cockroaches probably taste like...chicken.

What a bunch of baloney.

There is only one acceptable outcome here. Right before McGregor gets knocked unconscious, he forgets it’s a boxing match and kicks Mayweather in the head knocking him out.

On the upside, we now know that Zillow sucks.

Can we just play through this Presidency?

Church stops telling people who and how to fuck, people will stop bring their fucking-related issues to church.

Nah, it’s a Holocaust joke. I won’t go there. But here’s one that’s borderline...

Anna, aren’t we all simply hiding in a pickup truck in the greater scheme of things?

My hot take that I’ve been screaming since McGregor came out saying he wanted to fight Floyd: This is so fucking stupid. I don’t get the hype; it’s like trying to argue that Sidney Crosby is better than Cristiano Ronaldo simply because they both play a sport where the object is to score a goal.

I would like to take this opportunity to announce that my mission to Mars will also launch on August 26.

Can we crowdsource some protips for driving after drinking, or is that more for Lifehacker.

Tip No. 1 — if your face at all feels like this:

Does the dog make it?

To be fair, if my plane crashes and the only survivors are me and Idris Elba then I’m totally going to try to fuck him. Hell, I might try to fuck Kate Winslet too...I mean, if I’m probably going to die anyway then at least I’ll die having ticked that of my “to-do” list.

Let’s be clear here: there is no such thing as “reverse sexism” just like there is no such thing as “reverse racism.” Treating one sex unfairly or unequally is simply called “sexism.” And this is not that. If all screenings of Wonder Woman were barred from admitting men, that would be sexism. But since this is one scre…

Wait shit I didn’t know wolverines were an actual animal until this article. I will rethink many things about my life now.