The Quicker Fucker Upper

I would say this issue will truly be solved when parking lots and street parking have an advanced induction charging system integrated into them. Also saying you are going to do something doesn’t solve the problem.

Time to tear down the Stephen King statues!

If he had just shown a little respect. The national anthem is our sacred time for getting $9.50 Coors Lights and taking a leak.

And then there are the real stories:

I am in the military. Trained soldiers have a tough enough time mastering the use of this equipment. There is no need for the police to have this stuff, cops aren’t supposed to be soldiers.

1.) You are absolutely correct

He looks ok in his profile picture at least:

Max Kellerman always looks like he just walked in on his wife cheating on him.

“You’re gonna get some stares.”

Too bad noone told him there were going to be hop-ons.

Lots of unhappy people live in the same house as people they are unhappy to be married to. Sometimes it’s a white house.

If it’s after a one night stand, then I am likely hungover. Therefore, it’s Popeye’s or GTFO.

It’s embarrassing to admit, but it’s Taco Bell for me. Cheese quesadilla. I’m gross, I know.

That’s a really nice gesture, and something he can be way more proud of than his Marlins 2003 ring.

Given his track record for weirdly impersonal interactions with this child, he’ll probably try to give the kid a hardy handshake, congratulate him on coming out of his mother’s vagina, and give him an iTunes gift card or something.

Reince should txt him to say, “Congratulations, I’ll pray for your child.”

I kinda get why some people sprinkle emojis like they’re words, irritating as that might be. They’re cutesy! They can represent words! My MIL does that, I just take deep breaths and try to decipher what the hell she meant.

The secret to their long-lived marriage is easy. They just [This material has been removed due to a copyright claim by the Church of Scientology.]

Weddings can so easily be boiled down to a microcosm of a lot of ills in this country. Weird patriarchal traditions, forced fun, rampant capitalism, overly-expensive one-time use dresses that are Made In China...