And this movie cannot take place in Maryland because of my ongoing feud with Cal Ripken.

Well, you’re just gonna have to rewrite the script and explain how my character can go through walls.

Woman Claims She Was Fired From Synagogue Job for Having Premarital Sex on her desk.

Current Miss Piggy looks like she stole Rachel Green’s hair.

Boo! The Dev Patel and Freida Pinto link broke the news to me that Nick Kroll and Amy Poehler broke up. But I bet it’s fine, she’s fine.

My kids were bottle fed, but they both mastered drinking out of straws, albeit at the wrong speed.

I live in Arizona. I fucking love fall. Fall mornings and evenings are the best.

I like that Ahmed equipped his bomb with an AC power cord. Of course, that’s a boring movie. The hero just calmly reaches over and unplugs the bomb from the wall seconds before it explodes.

It’s not “Decent Human Being Matchmaker.” Patti only promises you a millionaire.

Let me tell you about Anthony Anderson and his black-ish promos. He’s got a white, middle-aged woman walking thru Sky Harbor singing, “Now I ain’t saying she’s a gold digger...” I’ve had that damn ear worm for a week.

That’s not okay, dudes.

Maybe we can use Andy Samberg’s HBO NOW password.

So Sarah has a problem with Obama interjecting himself into current events. That’s her whole fucking career.

Somebody forgot the daytime soap actor, prime time TV actor, movie star hierarchy.

Apparently, I need to watch this Olive Kitteridge.

And Elizabeth Hurley after her.

Nurses get shit done.

Cats are not trustworthy.

Perhaps you should switch back to his favorite kibble now. He’s sending you a clear message.

No mask, I still read it in Bane’s voice.