In my mind’s eye, the 2008-09 hat is the only Jays hat so... let’s go with that, for the sake of me.

...this is about a gaming stream.

“Cheating is just a rookie mistake, C’MON!” This motherfucker is the Rudy Guiliana of fuckin’ jocks.

An investigative story about the kind of insane people who buy into this shit and make their lives about it so that we can all better understand how not to lose our minds down conspiracy holes... that’d be pretty rad, though.

I don’t get why people are so opposed to pointing out that it would suck if he went to the White Sox. Yeah, sure, he would make the White Sox better but making the White Sox mediocre instead of bad is BORING. It’s boring to everyone other than die-hard White Sox fans.

I mean, though, c’mon, they’re so faux-tactical. Can’t you see a rich kid with emotional issues going to a sword shop and finding a nice double-sided mall-ninja dagger to match his tactical-kicks? These may be so bad they’re funny.

Counter-point: baseball is more fun and interesting with the occasional big-money fail-signings than in a world with all the mechanisms in place to now prevent them. I don’t care if really really rich people are only getting a little richer instead of a lot richer, I wanna see big weird all-or-nothing signings that…

Any theory that assumes the born-rich know what the hell they’re doing need only look at the White House these days to blow that theory to rags and atoms. The generationally rich are the dumbest people in the world because there is no penalty on them for being ignorant.

Holy shit. Getting engaged to a random beauty queen because your only understanding of female attractiveness is an attractiveness contest. That old chestnut of performativeness that can only come out of being equally (a.) egotistic (b.) closeted and (c.) culturally out of touch. A fuckin’ touchdown on performativeness.

This asshole’s haircut doth protest too much. That is “barely closeted accountant” hair inexplicably on a meathead football coach’s skull.

This asshole’s haircut doth protest too much. That is “barely closeted accountant” hair inexplicably on a meathead football coach’s skull.

“We had no idea our dedicated manure production facility would smell like shit!” says disingenuous assholes.

Oh man, so edgy. How does she even type with all the paper cuts from being so edgy?

I have no idea who Britt Baker is but I hope her shirts just say “She’s A Real Dentist” and that any television announcer always has to refer to her as “Britt Baker, she’s a real dentist” in the same way the farmer is referred to as, y’know, the farmer in Welcome To Nightvale.

Another reason why, while car racing is not my thing, I can understand why people might like watching it on television but the live experience sounds like a repellent horror show that could only be enjoyed out of masochism.

Alabama’s offense looked good for stretches but it was Tua little, Tua late.

Honestly? I think the fact that Jackson began his celebrity as a child fuels the superhuman denial of his monstrosity. There’s a certain disconnect you can form when you feel like you watched the guy grow up in public or, worse, felt him grow up alongside you in the public eye. So much delusion can come out of that…

And so ends a wild-card weekend of games defined not by the better team winning but by the less-terrible team not losing. If you haven’t given up on football because of the racism or the whole “murdering the players with brain damage” thing, this weekend of “playoff football” may have finally killed it for you.

I mean, with a name like “Ir-say”, you gotta believe his native tongue is Pig Latin and we’re lucky he’s getting THIS close to American English.

So you’re saying Syracuse needs to transfer to the PAC-12. Gotcha.