The entire currency of the big youtubers is pretending that they’re your glamourous best friend that you get to live vicariously through. It is The Royal Scam.

The only bad thing about the Red Sox winning this series is that Bill Simmons is happy. Melodramatically, completely out of touch with reality happy. That is the only gray lining in this sunshiney day.

Watching on TBS, seeing that place so abandoned during a playoff game that people were filtering down from the “only” two-hundred dollar nosebleeds to get selfies in the Hunger Games Rich Asshole five-grand field level seats, that was like *Italian chef air kiss*.

Hey, he and Conor created a character that every sane human being would want to beat into a fine paste together and, lookie, it’s a spectacle (dunno if it’s really a sport at this point) where the premise is steroid freaks beating each other into a fine paste.

“JuJu Smith-Schuster” sounds like a lesser candy in the Harry Potter books. “I don’t have enough pocket change for a chocolate frog but could I get a small bag of JuJu Smith-Schusters?”

Because they’re racist against young not-rich black players.

If you are a college sports big-money booster, you ARE an asshole and if you don’t agree, you are a college sports big-money booster. (I’m not talking about working class or middle class people who throw a little money at the college amateurism scam, you’re rubes but you might not be assholes, just gullible and…

DELUSIONAL KNICKS FANS FOR DECADES STRAIGHT: “Of COURSE (star player) wants to be the guy who brings the Knicks back!”

Max Muncy is basically Daniel Murphy except (at least not publicly) a horrifying bigot and... even though he’s a terrible fielder, is still a better fielder than Murphy because a pair of boots and a sandwich is a better fielder than Murphy.

I’m just astonished that “Merl Code” was the name of corrupt sneaker executive and not, like, some obscure hipster operating system for people who think Unix is “too corporate”.

Weirdly, I think the fact that he always was “the bad guy” in the normal sports narrative sense before we found out he was a goddamned rapist played to his advantage in a weird way.

I enjoy watching an occasional hockey game as much as any northeasterner bored to hell with college football, terrible NFL teams and pre-playoff NBA (Utica Comets, whatwhat) but... the reminder upfront that the hockey playoffs go into June stopped me flat.

Murphy got distracted trying to pray the gay away. Or trying to pray being a terrible infielder away. Or both! It’s still technically a free country, maybe both!

If he were 500% more self-aware and 100,000% more culturally aware, he could’ve said “I loved that new Spider-Man, pity he’s dusted, next question” but then, he’s a foobaw coach so all he knows how to do is give teenage indentured servants concussions and cover up sexual assault.

If baseball’s preseason is the least bad and football’s is the worst, the NBA at least has the most easy to forget it even exists.

It is probably crazy that a non-binary LGBTQ writer can forgive Murphy and I, a straight dude, cannot but... holy shit, Rhea is a saint because all I want to do is punch him in his fucking Bible-thumping cracker mouth and break a few of his chicklet teeth.

Double-Elimination Play-In-Palooza is one of the few beams of light in this stupid dark year. The weirder baseball is, the better it is.

I hoped he had a tattoo of the old Image Comics Superman pastiche Supreme and, if the world weren’t already deeply on fire, this would disappoint me.

The weird absurdity of the NFL is that every time they change a rule to get people less injured, they somehow manage to get people more injured. It’s almost like you can’t allow the rules of an intrinsically violent sport to be written by the people profiting off the violence. Some third party outside of the loop,…

It is a bland but inoffensive sweetness-delivery system that is lovely as a decoration.