I am glad to know that a league shit-heel enough to name a team “Valor” only has four teams.

As a Met fan, though, you have to understand that as soul-crushing as watching deGrom get nothing for an all-timer kind of season has been?

Am I in my own little baseball-first world or... have most people never heard of this tournament of basketball players simultaneously both vastly better than anyone I will ever know personally and vastly worse than anyone who deserves to play in the NBA?

Stockholm Syndrome. Cultural mass Stockholm Syndrome. They’ve been beaten down so long, they have identified with their captors.

Baseball has decided that having the Mets and Marlins running on fumes is a feature not a bug. It depresses salaries across the league. It is an end-around for colluding on keeping salaries low. They’re doing this on purpose, not outta inaction.

“Not Wasting Arm Wear And Tear On Actual Pitchers In Blow-Outs Is The New Moneyball Inefficiency To Exploit” might be the ne plus ultra of 2018 ideas.

Terrible little asshole finally got that stigmata he always wanted.

The poison pill’s flavour will be hidden by a garlic-butter sauce.

The black kids these same people applaud cops for killing for having a can of iced tea or a squirt gun are 12. As a white person I say, fuck giving white men the excuse of youth that no one else gets. Fuck that.

It’s not so much that the Mets aren’t smart, it’s more that their ownership forces them to swing wildly back and forth between “pinching pennies everywhere” and “spending what money they do have in desperate short-term splashes to look like they’re spending money”.

As a thoroughly disgusted Mets fan, I want to say “JESUS CHRIST, TWO C-LEVEL PROSPECTS AND SALARY RELIEF” but also, as a Mets fan beaten down into realism I also want to say “I mean, what do you expect for sixty games of a one-inning reliever?”

Wilpons are all like “That sounds too expensive. You can only have foot OR hand OR mouth disease. Pick one.”

As a Mets fan, I WANT to Schaudenfreude the hell out of this but, honestly, the worse the Nats are this year, the better the chances Harper is the Yankees starting first baseman next April and... that is one of the few ways Harper or the Yankees could get more fucking obnoxious.

Does it make gin taste like something other than setting a Christmas tree on fire and shoving it down your throat, though? That’d be the real magic.

Contraction to 24 teams would be one of the best things the MLB could do for its long-term growth, enhancing the product by shrinking a bunch of bad 5th starters and long relief types out of the game.

Ditching microtransactions will get a grateful nation to pay the hell out of your upfront costs? It’s almost like... the video game industry is finally learning the same enlightened-self-interest lesson they should have learned when they moved on from the short-term-profit model of arcades to the long-term profit…

I can’t tell if this is a washed-up celebrity trolling for clicks or a human being stupid enough to be anti-vax being fooled by normal shit. I also don’t know which would be worse.

Dude belongs on the same team as that awful homophobe Daniel Murphy, is a trade with the Nats in the works?

You say: “Men literally beating themselves into early deaths on national television.” They say: “But it’s only once a week so I can fit it into my schedule! And I can bet on it too!”

Our nation doesn’t worship God or Jesus or Odin or anything, our nation worships mediocrity.