I was at a concert in Utica where someone was bashing her looks and I was like “dude, this is Utica. if she walked into this brewery, she’d be the most beautiful woman in the house and you know it.” People’s standards are fucked.

If we could only get “nerd” classified as an ethnicity, we could put the writers up on crimes against humanity charges and be done with this nerd minstrel show.

If I ever married, I’d never ask my wife to take my name. I’d never take her name either, though. Personally, I think in either direction, it’s weird. If other people are into that, that’s rad, but personally I’d still be me, she’d still be herself and changing either of our names just because we’ve paired off for…

The prequels say that Yoda was always tiny but the prequels were all lies. He was slowly mutated down from a human sized alien over centuries of Force use, like space navigators and the spice in DUNE.

They think we’ll buy that their name isn’t a racial slur so... infinite. They think we are infinitely stupid.

Every comment that tries to argue that sexualizing a 13 year old girl is fine, I imagine being typed by Jared from Subway.

She WAS on a scripted show. The Real Housewives Of New York.

As a Mets fan, I never thought I’d see the day that Yankees fans weren’t the worst fans in baseball. Somehow the Cardinals fans finally pushed ahead of them today. At least Yankees fans are just spoiled dicks, Cardinals fans are spoiled dicks who think they’re all goddamned saints too.

Translation: “these are supposed to be the slaves WE get rich off, who gave THEM money?”

It took the daily fantasy sports scam to make this dorkus look like the clear thinking person. Nice.

Is there anything more corrupt than sport, at this point? Even all but the dumbest in finance and governance try A LITTLE BIT to cover it up.

Elmo, as one puppet, takes over the role that basically a few different random human kids were suppose to take every different episode. By shifting that focus from a carousel of humans to one overly-relatable-to-the-target-audience puppet, it maximizes marketing but completely fucks the focus of the show.

Luke Wilson’s trying so hard to pretend he doesn’t hate being there with every atom of his form. It’d be heartbreaking if it wasn’t someone who stooped to being in Adam Sandler Racism Movie.

Zlatan is a perfect name for a member of whatever the next goddamned boyband sensation is gonna be.

If football were invented today, I think we’d get about three plays into the first game before everyone were sued into oblivion. And I’m not sure that’s a bad thing.

That’d involve the ability to cogently describe 12 Oz Mouse, which is impossible.

It is good, as a Mets fan, to see that there are owners even more spectacular at fucking up a good thing.

ICQ the music-streaming service. friendster the bulk-couponing service. an IRC-chatroom that lets you remotely watch your maltipoo in doggie-daycare.

Both of the Braves season ticket holders must be furious.

Cheers seems to have some weird archetypal thing where a lot of 30-40 somethings remember it as the last “universal” show that everyone watched before peak cable fragmentation. It plays that symbolic role in THE MAXX too.