"ETA: I don't mean actually fuck it."

Uber, are you just smashing all these fruits into your mouth? I'm sort of worried about how many of them are juicing up your face. Maybe, you know, slice or eat with a fork? I'm picturing you in a high chair, just slamming fist-fulls of juicy fruits into your gob.

Uber, I will keep my opinions about your rankings to myself, but I do think you need to amend this list to include the following caveat:

There are reasons why white gun's rights activists can walk into a Chipotle restaurant with assault rifles and be seen as gauche nuisances while unarmed black men are killed for reaching for their wallets or cell phones, or carrying children's toys. Guns aren't for black people, either.

I would so eat that pretzel, without the salt though. I don't like soft pretzels with salt. I always get it plain or with cheese.

Wait. When were we "good?"

Yes, because your own personal amusement no matter the impact on people around you is all that matters.

And if a) pointing out that someone is ridiculously wasteful by taking one of the most expensive cuts of meat in the world and demanding a cooking process that eliminates every aspect of flavor and texture that has…

Awww, is somebody upset because they might actually have to fairly compensate the people who keep their business running?

You mean to say that a Christian corporation doesn't actually give a fuck about the children they so loudly and repeatedly claim to care about, but instead they're just a bunch of self-serving, greedy capitalists!? I'm shocked.

Credit Smithwellette:

If you got paid in 85% dollar bills you'd have a fat wad of cash too.

Do you like stories involving death, romance, resurrection, and penises? WELCOME TO MY LIFE.

How did 3D Doritos not make this list? HOW?!?

Yeah, it's a 'Sconnie thing. I went to Eau Claire! :D

...Did you go to Madison? :D

Or course you pistol whip him. That's how people know you mean business.