I’ve been saving these for a special occasion!

Johnny Depp is a walking cautionary tale on the dangers of poor life choices. He’s gone full Mickey Rourke, i.e. from incredibly hot to incredibly ... not.

He is 52 and very few men or women survive their 50s with their hotness intact. Hard living doesn’t help but he should at least be glad his hotness lasted through his 40s. More mature styling would help him too.

Aged like a bad wino wine

If you have to tell people you don’t smell bad, you fucking smell bad.

“he looks like he tastes bad.”

A while ago I was walking in a businessy part of San Francisco’s Chinatown at 8am and got whooshed by a dude on a skateboard with carefully coiffed hair, a comically large paper cup of coffee, and really strong weed fumes. I was so impressed. That seemed to be a lot to already have done by 8.

Funny Kevin Hart Day isn’t December 21 because that is the shortest day of the year! Ohh middle school burn!!!

No, Coco. “Girl Crush” and “I Kissed a Girl” are not at all the same. Maybe listen to the lyrics?

I’m this lady:

I mean, you think those ne’er do wells have a spinning striped pole for reasons that aren’t lewd and nefarious?!

Possibly because they were seen as providing not-up-to-standard medical care. I think the vibrators were advertised as medical devices and were sold to doctors.

One of the very first vibrators was invented by a French doctor in the late 19th century -can’t remember exactly when and don’t want to google the subject at work. It was water-powered and called “The Manipulator”. Seriously.

No idea, but it is “not sold to barbers.” They’re trying to keep it classy.

This is obviously great news. A friend of mine who was eligible to get the vaccine a few years ago (was still a virgin so her doctor recommended it to her, I guess that matters?). Anyways, she decided to discuss it with her family, being super conservative and republican, I guess your sexual health is your family’s…

To: Real Unprocessed Food

Thanks, Doc! Good to know I’m doing at least one thing right. I was disappointed to see a few friends who I respect sharing “scientific” articles (from kooky websites of course) on Facebook about how the HPV vaccine can lead to sudden-death.

“But the velvet mafia agenda!” (their crippled, unsound minds yelp forth)

“Not to mention all these heretic scientists... and their VACCINATION LIFESTYLE!”

Remind me, will this vaccine give me autism, Zika, general sluttiness, or all three?