How shrewd of the Obamas to adopt daughters who look exactly like them.

I remember the nurse gently wiping my ass for me while I screamed at my husband, "LOOK AWAY, FOR GOD'S SAKE, LOOK AWAY".

Quick note, I think that this one was found to be a hoax. Those models were actually wearing the durags to flatten their hair before they walked.

"Say, fellows, I've just originated a new urban-style music I call jazz. All my own invention, you see."

This happened well before my time (early 1970s), but here is the story I heard:

are you sure YOU'RE not Selena & Justin?

selena and justin like making out. i like making out. selena and justin like mac & cheese bites. i like mac & cheese bites. i should be famous.

I want that glass to confirm there was even a first pregnancy.

Psst, should we tell these cretins about the Catholics?

they made a jerk(ed) out of you

I

You may be wondering why I wrote a post about this if Sploid and Kotaku already did so. To this, I ask you: do either of their posts contain a reference to Fidel Castro's artificial anus? I rest my case.

I don't think I could tell mine. It's something I've literally never uttered to another soul save my mother. But it is gnarly...

Good. You know how much emotional harm has been caused by Jesus and his freaks?

I wanted my senior pictures with my dog who I had since I was 4 and my mom had a complete fit and said no. I'm still pissed at her to this day. So yeah I am insanely jealous of you, Erin & this true American hero for having parents who weren't sticks in the mud.

Agreed. If he disrupted a holy ceremony or caused damage to the statute, I'm totally there for misdemeanor charges. But this? This is just harmless stupidity. If Jesus is all that offended I'm sure he'll have a sit down with him or send him to time out in a molten pit.

Hell. At first I thought it was a guy named Jesus...

John Mayer Must Die should be the name of their duet concert special they do together to make amends.

Other things that started with/by John Mayer:

But now that he's an ex for both of them, shouldn't they bond over their mutual hatred of him? Fighting over him now is an odd move. This is not how Lifetime Movies prepared me for life.