Is it really immature that my first thought was "fucking EW?" :c

For a month. Also, I would trade the opportunity to have sex with the number-one person on the face of the earth with whom I dream of doing the deed like a depraved 14-year-old girl does every night before bed (Zac Efron). I don't know how I could parlay a chance meeting with his dick into getting that audio, but I…

My own ticket to the Met Ball. For the next 20 years.

NO WAY MAN, the devil's in the details! Play right!

Don't listen to the haters. Keep digging and compiling, I beg of you, please. I am emotionally invested in this and I need updates. I need a support group.

She tries really hard. I feel bad for her. Everything she does is just going to get met with a scoff about how she's trying to "slum it." She can't win.

I always assumed. I'm sure they could have hired an 18- or 19-year-old actress, even an older one like him, but the ick factor would still be there for anyone who knew how old the actor really was. Even when I was in ninth grade, I thought it was a weird casting choice. It probably limited them a lot.

When I was in high school I went to big national conventions for my extra-curriculars every summer because I'm what is known as a Big Fat Nerd. On the last night, when we had an early flight home the next morning and competition was over, the chaperones would let us hang out all night with no curfew. Nothing…

He's 20?! Making him one year younger than Miley? Look at that picture of them on set. My mind is seriously blown. Also: Remember how the guy who played her brother was actually 35 or something and they had to write his character as unlucky in love so he would never be kissing a young actress on TV? Not totally…

I'm hoping it's not too late too offer my sincerest condolences to you for whatever made you such a bitter and negative human being. :c

I'm sure this isn't always the case, but imagine being a little girl at one of those camps. Imagine dreaming of being a cheerleader throughout your childhood, putting those women on a pedestal and not being able to comprehend that there might be a downside. Dance class, gymnastics, years and years of cheering through…

Am I the only person who just feels really, really bad for Justin Bieber? It's got to be hard to have any awareness or humility when you are surrounded by dozens of adults who stand to make millions off of you and are telling you that you are THE greatest thing on the planet starting at the age of 11 or so. Add in a…

She has that effect on every "not a hamster person" person who comes into my apartment. Seriously, some of the pictures I have of her should be in Hamster Fancy. (Is there a Hamster Fancy? I should publish Hamster Fancy.) Except my boyfriend is terrified of her. I didn't participate in this week's Pissing Contest…

I am obsessed with my hamster in a way I don't even see with some of my friends and their dogs. I mean I have pictures and videos of her ready to show people at all times and I delight in buying her treats. I bought her $117 antibiotics when she messed up her leg once. Never underestimate the hamster-human bond, my…

My little baby dwarf hamster, Diamond, severed half her leg overnight once so I wrangled her into a Tupperware and took her to work sobbing so my boss would let me off. It worked and soon, the princess and I were en route to the tiny animal ER, where I learned she weighs a whole 23 grams and I got antibiotics that…

I have always been against taking my future husband's last name, but exceptions can be made in extraordinary circumstances...

I didn't witness it but once, I walked under the scaffolding the homeless people in my neighborhood sleep under and it smelled so much like pee that I threw right the fuck up in the street. And that, kids, was the day I knew I would never be a Real New Yorker.

I love the idea, and they go in fine and all, but I've never gotten the hang of removing one without looking like I just came back from slaughtering my own supper.

PRAISE IT AND BLAZE IT Y'ALL

Waking up the morning after the premiere of Fargo —which I have been dreading for a year and a half if only because there will be a dramatic uptick in the amount of people who greet me with poor Midwestern accents and "yah, you betcha"s and then laugh heartily, thinking they are the first clever person to hit me…