I just called my dad to wish him a happy birthday and we ended up talking about his leaking butt for 45 minutes

*hikes up triple pleated relaxed fit Dockers shorts* “And don’t get me started on that Steven A Smith. He’s probably got AIDS related diarrhea or something”

Give the guy a break, he was asleep like the other 5 people in attendance

Will, this post is brilliantly written. The fact that you're writing about a new Taco Bell product with this much wit and intelligence kills me.

Candy corn can burn in hell. It’s fucking sugared wax.

Harvilla’s obviously boning someone in the band

...

I think the problem is part body image issues and in part due to the terrible habits of eating animals, processed garbage, and fast food

This book is bullshit. All my girlfriend needs for me to say is “bend over and spread your piss flaps honey, that immodium ad just gave me a boner.”

That’s just considered foreplay in Cleveland

What setting do you use on your trimmer when mowing down your thatch and ball bag?

Can you recommend a good butt plug?

My uncle Rick said he once sucked on Ciara’s piss flaps

Bumble is so yesterday. I found love on www.clownpenis.fart

C’mon, the ref had toupee for that shitty call

My wife left me

I'd rather celebrate with hookers and blow

my paw-paw just died

My paw-paw just died

Fuck you, dad