But in your first comment you painted yourself as just a poor, desperate parent working the only job available to you and still barely making ends meet. You should’ve stuck with that, it was much more sympathetic.

The fact that a 5 year old knows who Nellie Olsen is makes me sooooo happy

A friend’s five-year olds called her “As mean as Nellie Olsen!” And it stung.

More!

I thought this was hilarious

I use “your face” instead. Less potential for awkward.

When I was in 4th grade, I was already nearly 5’10”. Which is my current height. I was basically a year from finishing puberty. They thought I had a pituitary tumor and might die. Turns out I just have a huge pituitary and some hormone disorders. Point is, shit was hard for youngrootof. Kids were fucking dickbags.

Bro reeking of Axe: “How would you like me down in your panties?”

I’m a lawyer, and at the time of this incident was practicing in several fairly small and rural Southern counties. I’d been out of law school for 2 or 3 years, long enough to be tired of the crap I would fairly regularly get from some older male lawyers. I had a trial in the neighboring county, and my opposing counsel…

I may have told this on here before, so please bear with me if you have, for some reason, heard it already:

So lame because you tried to pass it off as something you were witnessing / experiencing in the first person.

Thought of another!

I saw a pretty good burn either here or on Gawker a few months ago. Some jerk was going off on commentators calling everybody stupid and poorly educated. Part of his post was “Their are so many retards here”.

Senior year of high school, walking from a show (some local band) to our car. An honest to god flasher jumps by us and wiggles his dick, and shouts “WHADDAYA Y’ALL THINK OF THIS????”

This story has been passed around for a looooong time. I applaud your sense of humor, but I don't think this happened to you IRL.

I just remembered a great one! Last month, my friend - who is the chillest, least confrontational, most mild-mannered person in the whole world - was visiting Israel and he ran into some German lady who was like, “Why can’t there just be peace?” My friend was all, “Yeah, totally” (my friend and I are both Jewish but…

One of my favorite Maury quotes (not from this article) was when he was told by a friend that he wouldn’t do “that” type of show for a million dollars a year.

I posted this the other day:

My twin cousins were conceived a month apart (though by the same dad), so one was born a little premature and the other wasn’t. So this kinda thing doesn’t surprise me at all, but of course, knowing the stats it’s still impressive!