Don’t touch other people without permision. Don’t Touch Other People Without Permission. DON’T TOUCH OTHER PEOPLE WITHOUT PERMISSION!

I have to admit that if I lived in a state where the state fair involved a butter cow, I would consider making a trip there just to gawk at it, probably while eating something deep-fried that was never meant to be deep-fried.

A lot of servers make (less douchey) socioeconomic observations about customers in BCO. I was just pointing out the “poors be stupid” vibe that dude was throwing.

“DON’T YOU KNOW WHAT FISH DO IN WATER?!”

Just had to stop reading to say I laughed so unexpectedly hard and so suddenly at this that I choked on the chip I was eating and had to spit it out on my desk. I ain’t even made at this lady, this is too hilarious.

The server’s response was perfect. “That would be a puddle of cheese.”

A little OT, but germane to “fish that swim” and “tales of stupid swimmers”: At the beach one afternoon, my dad once approached the lifeguard and asked him if the fin he saw in the water was a shark.

You know what? I love the balls on Cara Sloane to tell a BCO story about her own fuck-up. Just about every one of these is told from the waiter’s point of view, so I am always curious as to how customers would tell one of these (and what the exact hell was goin on in their cerebellums)...

Given that Halloween is coming up and all sorts of stupid lore about treats laced with tricks will soon full the media, here is a simple trick to detect illicit drugs in your confections:

In the Army, one time, I took a break from a ruck march. I popped off my kevlar helmet (it was HOT) and leaned back against a tree.

This is what happens when we assume things- we end up looking like fools.

During lunch one day I saw a FedEx truck driving along at 15 mph, the driver looking at something in his lap, maybe that little electronic dealy they bring around to scan stuff and get signatures with. He’s got a stop sign coming up but I don’t think he sees it. The truck is cruising towards me with no signs of…

I would like to see statistics on this particular personality disorder outside of industrialized first world countries. I really would.

And here I am losing my much-needed and very cherished eyesight to a degenerative condition. Fuck the lunatics that people this mudball of a planet. I swear...just burn and salt the whole thing already. ヽ( ಠ_ಠ)ノ

. . . well if seeing is your problem, there’s a psychologist out there with an opening in their schedule.

Sometimes, when I’m driving to work, I think that I’d rather have a disabling accident than live through another week of bullshit. Not the same thing? Okay, I have nothing to offer here. Bless it, as we say here.

White people, y’all gotta stop with this shit. Being oppressed and marginalized is NOT the business.

If they had refused him service altogether, because he had been in an altercation at the restuarant previously, no one would have batted an eye. As it is, a customer with violent tendencies will be served if he kindly puts his GUN in his car - and everyone flips out.

I’m confused by the notion that Waffle House gets any business that isn’t between the hours of 11 PM and 6 AM.

I don’t want to interpret that as a specific slam against Jennifer Lopez, who in fact is not a talented singer or actress but is an outrageously talented performer and someone who seems to work damn hard in life to forge a career for herself. Good for her.

Usually, when a woman says “if you were younger...” it is an attempt to flatter an older man while at the same time saying loud and clear that he is *far* too old for her to consider dating.