I’d like to take a moment to interrogate the universe on why Michelle Obama is getting more gorgeous by the week.

Carl Jr’s sounds like a fast food chain.

HE’S THE ONLY FUCKING PERSON WHO PRONOUNCES IT THAT WAY, NO IT ISN’T LEGIT.

This story is just the cherry on the sundae of women-hating this week.

For a lot of people premarital sex with someone you are intending and do marry is a grey area and often considered ok and engagement is regarded as almost the wedding.

Am I a bad person because I don’t feel like Clinton’s email thing is as bad as the racism and woman-hate that the republicans are peddling? I get that she was wrong here, and that she has said some racist things in the past. But I would still vote for her over people who show blatant hatred for minorities and women.…

I am very fucking sorry you feel that way.

The only relative who would actually tell me to stop swearing would be my mother, and if she’s commenting, you’ll know, because she’ll specify it’s her.

I don’t want the dog stans to come after me but maybe they don’t realize he looks like a four-legged q-tip?

And they’re fighting over his sperm!

That thing is a dog...?

Not at Gelsons in LA. I did that for awhile with this vegan butter (which actually WAS delicious) and trying to force people to taste some butter on bread was surprisingly hard. Like a four hour shift felt like a million years long.

Cheer up. X is still in the world, except the kids today call it Molly.

Dammit, why does he have to go and fuck up like this? I was really counting on him not to be a shithead like everyone else.

Who makes this woman’s sartorial choices?

IF BEING MARRIED IS NO BIG DEAL, THEN FUCKING LET EVERYONE GET MARRIED GAAAHAHHHAAAARRGGGHSMASH.

Am I a bad person because I can’t help but wish a lot of ill and harm would befall this horrible woman? I mean, I don’t wish her death, but I’d be fine if she were stuck with alopecia that would make all her hair fall out, or maybe some good ole fashioned boils and suppurating pustules about the face.

At some point, we are going to have to discuss her fashion choices.

Oh god what is he thinking? ‘Don’t worry. I got this with my hose.’