I'm fairly certain your post ate at least five points of my IQ. :(

"I need another Long Island. And make this one goooood. I couldn't taste any alcohol in the last one," she told her.

Someone telling me to "calm down" when I'm upset is a one-way ticket to me saying "I will stab you in the motherfucking eye with a goddamn ice pick! How's that for calm?!"

OMG that reminds me. I changed schools in middle school, and in my new school, there were two kids who were forever picking on me. I generally took the "Just ignore them" advice from adults, but I guess my resentment was building up, because one day, our teacher didn't show up for math class... And while we were…

You poor baby. You were taking on WAY too much. No wonder you lost it! I don't blame you a bit.

FUCKING "PAN." You know his real name is Michael or Stephen or something mundane like that.

Whenever I teach my sophomore's Thoreau's Civil Disobedience, they all get amped up at the dress code. I've been encouraging them to try and violate the opposite gender-expression's dress code (sagged shorts and muscle tees on girls, camis and short-shorts on boys) just to see if they'll get busted.

Thanks. The end.

new business idea: custom merkins

Choose an outfit that is pretty enough to show that you're a woman and covered enough to show that you are a lady

Can girls go bottomless if their bush is no shorter than their fingertips when their arms are by their side?

This story doesn't even compare...

We hired extra security because my Mr. Anya's brother threatened to storm the wedding and shoot me cause I slapped his wife the day before for calling my sister a slut. My sister slept with her husband (Mr. Anya's brother). In retrospect, yeah... that was pretty slutty of my sis.

Not my wedding but my mom's. My dear sweet grandmother (mom's side) was not happy that her ex husband (my mom's dad) brought a floozie to the wedding. They had divorced due to his philandering ways. From what I was told my 5 foot 1 inch grandma proceeded to grab said floozie and help her out of the reception. She did…

One of my cats melts like jello in a sack on a hot day when you hold him. When I'm alone, I dance with him because he lets me. He purrs like crazy and oozes about in my arms while the other pets look on like we're both nuts, but this cat is the perfect dance partner. He never minds if I miss the steps, and he's…

I'm recently divorced and living alone for the first time ever. It's AMAZING. My ex husband was super critical and I am experiencing freedom like I've never known.

Always waxing my 'stache while watching Seinfeld.

Winner winner, no turkey dinner(s)

Fuck them. I know it's easier said than done though- god only knows what my MIL says behind my back. I've spent long enough hearing her bitch herself into a stupor about her other daughter in law, only to be nice as pie to her face (and be curiously nervous about me and other DIL even having a conversation with one…

Years ago I had a ritual where every Friday I'd treat myself to breakfast at a chain quick serve upscale café type joint. I'd go in and get the same damn thing: a vanilla hazelnut latte and one of their delightful breakfast sandwiches.